Offensive Coordination

Labor of Love

2010-11-22T09:45:00.003-05:00

For months now, the idea of an NFL lockout has been in the back of most people's minds, but for me, it's all I think about (besides ponies, BBQ, and gambling). I used to work in the NFL, and still have a lot of friends who do, so I have a pretty good idea about what's at stake in the ongoing labor negotiations. But this post isn't about the legalities, or revenue sharing, or "kill-shots". It's about what I want to see from a fan's perspective. As always, would love to hear your thoughts and ideas.

No 18-game season: I'm not worried about 18 games from a concussion standpoint, a competitive balance standpoint, or from the inevitable weight I'll gain from two more weekends of chips and dip. It's that too much a good thing really isn't a good thing. For examples, see baseball and basketball. How much better would those sports be if baseball played 140 games or the NBA played 10 (just kidding - I love the NBA)? The inherent drama that builds throughout the NFL season is directly due to the importance placed on every game because there's only 16 of them! Plus, who wants to see the Bills vs. Panthers in a week eighteen match-up? (Caveat: if the NFL does go to an 18-game schedule, change the format of the playoffs. Have only one wildcard team in each conference, and have them face off against the worst division winner in the first round, with the team having the better record getting homefield. This will guard against what will inevitably happen this year - a 12-4 NFC team having to travel to an 8-8 Seattle team for the first round of the playoffs, and probably losing. The other three division winners all get byes, with the top 2 getting a home game in the divisional round.)

Consolidate Bye Weeks: Another scary by-product of an eighteen game schedule is the proposal of a second bye week during the season for all teams. Drew Magary from Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber fame wrote about this pretty recently - basically saying that "Bye Weeks are Satan's Afterbirth." There's nothing worse during the middle of the season when you're trying to see where your team stacks up versus another and you can't because they've played an uneven number of games. Plus, it's a major advantage having your bye week after week seven versus week three (and if you have evidence to prove otherwise, shut up). Whether the league goes to eighteen games or not, let's stick with one bye week and let's try and jam these in a little more equitably. How about the NFC having all off one week, and the AFC the next? After weeks 8 & 9, and rotate each season? Done and done.

Monday Night Doubleheaders: Maybe I'm just getting older and grouchier, but I find it harder and harder to stay up to watch NFL Primetime games. It also seems like no fan really "wins" when it comes to Monday nights - too late for East Coast, too early for West Coast. I think the only people who are really happy live in the Dakotas. I say screw them. Let's play two every Monday. Start the "East Coast" game at 7:00pm and the "West Coast" at 10:00pm. Who cares if the 49ers have to play five Monday nighters? I won't be up to watch them - EAST COAST BIAS FOR LIFE!!

Thursday Nighters: Let's chill out with this. It's a cute concept, but fatally flawed. First off, it's on the NFL Network which I'm pretty sure only about 20% of the country even has. Second, it's pretty much the most awful thing you can do to the players (I know, this post isn't supposed to be about the players, but hearing them whine about these games definitely lowers my enjoyment of them). Third, and this might be blasphemy as a football fan, but sometimes I actually like to watch other things on TV, even other sports. Let's keep Thursdays to Thanksgiving (I do love the primetime game on Turkey Day) and while we're at it, let's have Dallas and Detroit rotate each year (why do I have to watch both play every year?). Also bring back the Saturday games in December, which actually isn't all that bad for players and gives us something to watch on Saturdays while college football goes on its annual 60 day pre-bowl games sabbatical. It also gets us married men out of holiday shopping, so there's that too.

Move the Super Bowl to a different date: Specifically, either the Sunday before Martin Luther King Day or the Sunday before President's Day. It's pretty much a given that 75% of the country's population will be worthless the Monday following the Super Bowl, so why not move it to a date where 75% of the people in this country have off the next day? Also, quit the Super Bowl being played in cold weather movement. It's stupid. When I'm rich and can afford to join the "Never Miss a Super Bowl Club", I don't want to go to Detroit or East Rutherford or Kansas City for a game I'm paying $2K to see. Give me San Diego, Tampa, New Orleans, Miami, or Atlanta please.

Re-price tickets: This is where the NFL needs to be really careful. The at-home experience of watching a game is getting better and better every season. Once 3D production goes full scale, you'll literally feel like you're at the game except it won't take you twenty minutes to go to the bathroom, beers won't cost $7, and you won't freeze your ass off. The NFL "product" looks much better with a full-stadium and with the demand that is out there for the NFL "product" it amazes me that some of these teams play in front of half-empty stadiums. Even if your team is HORRIBLE, you're only playing at home 8 times (regular season) over the course of 365 days! Stop the whole PSL scam, quit worrying about the secondary market, and don't make people pay for pre-season garbage games. In my opinion, if you can't consistently fill your stadium to 90% occupancy with season-tickets you either need to move the team (Jacksonville) or lower your prices (Detroit). Use the suite level and club level to cater to the corporate client; keep the regular bowl seats priced so that they're in reach for the common man (or woman).

That's about all I got - I could certainly get into some of the rule changes that are effecting the way the games are played right now, but that's truly an issue for the players and the owners to resolve. I'm all for making the game safer and extending the careers and lives of these guys that put themselves at risk every week. I also think NFL owners and teams have the right to make money. But as Justin Bieber so magnificently said last night in his acceptance speech for Performer of the Year at the American Music Awards "I wouldn't be here without the fans." Neither would the NFL.

How much would it take?

2010-02-11T13:26:00.004-05:00

This post comes courtesy of a conversation I've had many times with friends, usually occurring around 3 a.m. after about a dozen gin and tonics. Basically, the question is how much would it take for you to do something absolutely horrifying, like hammer a nail through your tongue or listen to an entire Celine Dion CD. So let your imagination run wild and see if you can top some of these:

Going to a Justin Bieber concert (sober): I'm thinking the bidding starts here at around $250, plus the cost of a ticket. There are certainly worst ways to spend a couple of hours, but the combination of awful music and shrieking 13-year girls could result in permanent hearing damage. Better up this to $500, just to be safe.

Eating a raw egg: Potential salmonella poisoning and the inability to probably ever eat eggs again ups the ante a bit here. I'm going $75 for this stunt.

Wearing a pair of your friend's dirty boxers: Depends what kind of friends you run with. Mine? They look like the poster children for crabs and gonorrhea. $100 please.

Eating someone's dirty band-aid (body location unknown): This is a tough one. On one hand, it could have come off someone's hand covering a little cut. On the other, it could have been covering a scab on someone's ass. I think you have to play it safe here - $1,000.

Drink your own pee (8 oz.): First thing in the morning - $250. After a night of drinking Bud heavies - $750.

Watching two grandparents performing oral sex on each other: Clearly on a whole new payment scale. I say if you don't know them, $5K. If they're your grandparents, $100K. Can you imagine how awkward your conversation would be the next time you saw them? "Hey Grandma, is that a milk mustache?" Nasty.

Living in Boston (minimum of one year): Let's see - freezing cold, terrible accents, and three of the most annoying professional franchises in sports (sorry, hockey sucks). I'd need full relocation cost here. Put me down for $60K.

Living in L.A. (minimum of one year): Unlike Boston, the weather out west seems pretty nice. Except when you account for constant smog, mudslides, and potential earthquakes. The traffic is unbearable and the people suck. At least the girls are hot. $30K.

Getting a tattoo on your back that says "I have AIDS", while still single: Tough one here. Nothing like wearing the scarlet letter. Your beach days are pretty much over. And you're pretty much taking a blood test anytime you meet a new girl and they're still going to make you wear a condom. Ouch. I'm thinking seven figures here. $1.2 million.

The Kill Rule

2010-01-26T11:07:00.002-05:00

I won't even begin to take credit for this, but it was too good not to share. Much respect to the author, who you can follow here on twitter. I give you 'The Kill Rule.'

A guy I worked with about a decade ago once told me about a theory he had for improving society. At the time, it seemed about psychotic an idea as you can ever tell someone you barely know in your workplace. But over the years, I have grown to realize that it’s the most genius idea I have ever heard.
The theory goes like this — everyone is allowed to kill one person. Kills can’t be transferred or sold or carried over like vacation days. You’re allowed to kill one person and one person only. Well, you can kill more if you want, but you’re only allowed to kill one person legally.

After that, you have to get a tattoo somewhere on your body where everyone can see it. The tattoo will indicate that you have already used your kill and present no immediate threat to anyone in your area.

To be fair, he told me this theory a long time ago, and I’m sure it’s far more detailed and thought-out than how I’m explaining it, but that’s the gist. On its face, it sounds insane. And it is, don’t get me wrong. But when you dig a little deeper, it would be the greatest thing to happen to society since the invention of Las Vegas.

I’m sure there are qualifications to the free murders. I don’t think he advocated smothering newborn babies or pushing cripples off roofs. But wouldn’t you be less likely to run your mouth at someone if they lacked a kill tattoo? And wouldn’t you walk around a whole hell of a lot happier knowing that you could snap the neck of the woman on your bus who is screaming into her phone about how much she loved last night’s episode of Jersey Shore?

And, in turn, wouldn’t you temper that sort of thing? If I knew someone could legally murder me for not holding a door open for a lady, I’d be way less of a prick at all times. Not that I don’t hold doors for ladies. I guess a better example would be farting in elevators. I’d knock that off tout suite.

Imagine you’re walking down an escalator where the understood rule is the left side of the escalator is for walkers and the right side is for those who wish to remain motionless. You’re walking down the left side, and there’s Jimmy NoMotionPants and his hipster glasses and canvas shoes rocking out to Death Cab For Cutie. If I’m running late for a meeting and my knife is sharpened, I could take him out like Rambo and continue about my day.

But then maybe I’d have to stop and schedule my tattoo appointment. I don’t know exactly. So there’s holes in this theory. I don’t know. I guess I’d like to stop sitting next to people on the bus who talk on their phones for 20 minutes about nonsense while I’m trying to listen to my Alanis playlist. Her emotion is so raw.

Me, Ray Rice, and DJ Jazzy Jeff

2010-01-22T13:10:00.004-05:00

You may be wondering what I have in common with Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice and DJ Jazzy Jeff. Besides breathtaking athletic ability and incredible musical talent, we also share a birthday. That birthday also happens to be today, and at the ripe old age of 27, I find myself thinking a lot about the past and the future.

Aging certainly has its pluses. You can, um...well, actually...aging sucks. There's nothing good about getting older. You see friends less, you work more, you gain weight, and you lose your hair. It's baffling to me why anyone would actually want to celebrate their birthday. If I had my druthers, I'd simply let it pass with no acknowledgment at all.

Now, maybe I'm being overly negative because the stress of work and planning a wedding are making me borderline insane (if sales were dating, you could say I'm in an A.C. Green type slump). But in reality, I just long for the birthdays of my youth, where eating a piece of pizza didn't add five pounds and drinking a beer didn't leave me hungover in the morning. The days where you didn't go to class "because it's my birthday, dude" and you got all types of cards, cash, and presents from family and friends. The years when you were finally old enough to drive a car or smoke a cigarette. At one point in my life, I looked forward to turning 65, so I could retire with a pension and collect Social Security. Based on my current income and investment plan, I'll have enough money to retire at 94. And that's only if I die at 95.

There are still a lot of things to look forward to: kids, mounting debt, prostate exams, etc. Everyday I wake up thankful for another one though, and trust me, I know things could be a whole lot worse. And if DJ Pauly D can still beat up the beat at age 30, then I can still rock out with my cock out at 27. Let's party (at 5pm, when I get off work)!

Guilty Pleasures

2010-01-15T15:04:00.003-05:00

No need for an explanation at this point.

9) French Fries - Is there any better side order or "vegetable" in the world than fries? The combination of salt, complex carbs, and grease is like an orgy for our taste buds. They are so good, in fact, that other foods have even tried to become them - remember these?

52) Weighing yourself in the morning after a monster bowel movement and convincing yourself that you're "dropping lbs." - I think this one is pretty self-explanatory.

117) Picture stalking on Facebook - We've all done it. I actually did it today. Always fun to see who got fat, who got hot, and who got gay.

101) Using buzzwords and phrases to sound smart - Try this in a meeting sometime. "At the end of the day, we need to circle back and focus on ROI & market segmentation. With that said, I spoke with our social media guru and he said that going forward, SEO has to be on our radar screen."

48) Taking an hour for lunch - Rare in this day and age of fast food and bag lunches (not to mention stuffy corporate settings), the one-hour lunch usually takes place on Friday or is combined with an off-site meeting. You still finish your actual lunch in ten minutes, but you spend the other fifty talking about your fantasy team, kids, or house. The hour-lunch usually results in the 3pm zone-out.

He did what?!?!

2010-01-14T17:12:00.003-05:00

Breaking News: Mark McGwire used steroids and HGH during the 90's including his record breaking ’98 year where he hit 70 home runs. In other news, he also admitted to using toothpaste, toilet paper, and wearing shoes over the same time frame. Seriously, tell us something we don’t know. Look, we all get it, there’s an entire “era” in baseball where if you weren't using, you weren't trying, which in all honesty most likely continues today. Thing is, as fans do we really give a shit? I for one can remember racing home during the summer of ’98 to see if either Sosa or McGwire hit any bombs that night. I still probably have a VHS tape of McGwire's 62nd bomb at my mom's house, unless I taped Cinamax late night over it.

My question now is, what exactly is the downfall to steroid use? Obviously there isn’t a juice-up superstar out there, aside from maybe Jose Canseco, who will admit that steroids actually helped their career and their lives. I wish just once, one of these former superstar steroid users would come out and tell it like it is. “Yea, I used steroids during the 80’s and 90’s and ya know what? I got fucking paid, laid, and hit a shit load of home runs, which is probably the best feeling in the world, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything, including bigger testicles” Seriously, McGwire admitted to using starting in the early 90’s, twenty or so years ago, and he appears healthy, is back in baseball and probably still counts his gold coins like Scrooge McDuck on a nightly basis. Even if he keels over in the next ten years, I'd still take his life over say, RG$'s.

The only people in this scenario that I do feel bad for are for the players who chose not to stick needles in their ass and did it the legal way. Guys like Fred McGriff, who ended his career with 493 home runs, only 7 away from the elusive 500 that basically guarantees you a trip to Cooperstown. But honestly, what does 500 home runs in a career mean anymore? McGwire, Sosa, Palmerio? All to linked to PED's and douchebaggieness.

Another 48 Hours

2010-01-11T20:39:00.008-05:00

No, this isn't a post about the classic 1990 film. It's a running diary of the forty-eight hours I just spent in Puerto Rico for a good friend's wedding. Since most of you that follow the OC know me, you'll enjoy the recap of the wedding weekend; for those of you who don't, I think the description of Old San Juan will be reason enough to read on. And for those who've already been to Puerto Rico and don't know me, you're shit out of luck.

Friday

5:30am - Wake up.

5:31am - Fall back asleep.

5:50am - Wake up (again). This time for good. Take a shower, finish packing, and make a LARGE pot of coffee. Clean the snow off of the car (yes, more snow), and depart for Philadelphia International.

9:00am - Board plane.

10:30am - Still sitting on tarmac.

4:00pm - Arrive in Old San Juan. Pretty eventless airplane ride except for the guy dipping cheese crackers in his water. That's a new one to me. Check into hotel. Cool boutique place close to everything. No TV, though. Going through withdrawal.

5:00pm - Meet up with the (soon-to-be) bride and groom and take a spur of the moment walking tour of Old San Juan. End up eating dinner at what we thought was a pretty authentic latin restaurant; turns out we ate at the Puerto Rican version of Friday's. My bad. Did have a money mojito and discovered the local beer of choice.

7:00pm - Connect with other friends in town for the wedding. Finish mojitos #2, 3, 4, 5, with some more Medalla Lights mixed in for good measure. Officially drunk. Put a Biggie song on the jukebox. If he was still alive, he'd be the Bono of hip-hop. Everybody's nodding their head to 'Juicy.'

10:00pm - Move to next bar. On the way, a drug addict/prostitute offers me sex. I resist. Getting better and better at salsa dancing as the night goes on.

3:00am - Basically a professional dancer. Time to get some rest.

Saturday

10:30am - Up and on our way to breakfast. Ate at a place Rachel Ray visited on her show, $40 a Day. Decent grub, but more importantly, cheap. And an excellent cup of coffee. I'm pretty sure a tourist can survive strictly on coffee, mojitos, and Medalla Lights in Puerto Rico.

12pm - At the beach. Wow. Twenty-four hours ago I was cursing Al Gore's name, now I'm swimming in 82 degree water hanging out with the groom's family. With the ceremony not till 6pm, we enjoyed the delights of a $16 burger at the beach bar while enjoying a truly spectacular day.

6pm - At the church, rocking my guayabera shirt. Beautiful girls all around (including mine) and also a few homeless people to add some character. Besides the ceremony starting an hour late and being completely in Spanish, I'd say it went pretty well.

8pm - Party time! From the church, we all walked down (probably 75 people in all) to the waterfront where the reception was being held. The streets in Old San Juan are extremely narrow, so our mass migration brought traffic pretty much to a standstill. People in their cars seemed really appreciative of the delay.

11pm - After filling my face with ceviche', paella, steak, and potatoes, I proceeded to get locked into a bathroom which I had to kick open Macgyver-style. After freeing myself, I showed my soon-to-be-bride the art of Spanish seduction.

2:30am - On the rooftop of our hotel, hanging out in the hot tub. Best friend 'Turbo' brings back a beautiful Italian bella, who just happens to date a European soccer player. I still think he had a shot, until he asked her if she liked pizza. Crash and burn. Time to go to sleep.

Sunday

11am - Dressed and ready to maximize beach weather. Attempt to purchase a coffee and pastry at the bakery up the street. Fail. Language barrier too much to overcome.

12:30pm - In the Caribbean for the final time til July 18th (honeymoon, holla). Even better day than Saturday. Wondering how difficult it would be to open a daquiri business in the islands.

2:30pm - Sitting in a cab to the airport with a couple from Minnesota. Classic accents.

4:30pm - Check the score of the Ravens game. Make a comment to a man in a Tom Brady jersey with a tribal calf tattoo and Crocs on. I win.

9:30pm - Back at home. Smooth flight and car ride. Easily a 60 degree difference in temperature, but only a three-hour flight. How is that possible?

10:30pm - Sleeping in bed, dreaming of mojitos, sangria, and Medalla Lights dancing in my head.

I Told You So

2010-01-07T22:20:00.002-05:00

So I hate to say I told you so - actually that's completely untrue. I LOVE being right. Check out what my boy Dan LeFevour did in last night's GMAC Bowl. If you've been reading this blog, you know I basically have a man-crush on #13, and with good reason. The guy is a straight balla. I'll be doing my best impression of him this weekend playing beach football in Puerto Rico, but you can check out the talent right here for yourself. Enjoy!

Count How Many Times I Say Exclusive

2010-01-06T09:49:00.001-05:00

I just read an “exclusive” interview with Mariah Carey in Time Out: New York magazine (said so on the cover). You’re jealous. I first want to state that I typically love Time Out: New York (TO:NY). It’s a great place to find everything hip in NYC. They always know about the best music no one likes, the best films that are playing at only one theater with actors you’ve never heard of, and the best places to buy skinny jeans. More or less TO:NY is my Koran. Which makes sense, because I’m Catholic. But seriously, I do like that magazine. The point here isn’t really about one specific magazine, it’s about these “exclusive” interviews.

What makes an interview an “exclusive” interview? I would say the only way an interview could truly be exclusive is if the person has never talked to anyone before, and signed a contract stating they would never speak to anyone ever again afterwards. Either that, or they agreed to have their vocal cords ripped out by a Turbo Snake immediately following the interview. And as unbelievable as it may sound, this wasn’t Mariah’s first interview. And that’s a google-fact. Hell, turns out she was even interviewed by the inappropriate Larry King himself, back in 2002. So I guess this means that interview with TO:NY wasn’t really exclusive … or was it?

Hmm, it just dawned on me that perhaps the reason the interview was deemed “exclusive” was because there were some never-before-asked, hard-hitting questions being thrown at Mariah! Yeah, that makes sense. Let me re-read it … Well, I learned that the rumor about Mariah really liking cheese isn’t true, she typically only eats it with wine. And guess what??? She based her accent in the movie Precious on some random lady from Yonkers. Oh shit, this is exclusive.

Okay, enough of the sarcasm. But it really bothers me when these media outlets rep interviews like this. Like the Today show’s exclusive interview with Jamie Jungers (you know, the chunky Tiger Woods’ mistress). Turns out Dateline interviewed her too. Well maybe the Today show didn’t know Jungers was gonna be on Dateline, so they really thought they were only interview. Oh wait, these two shows are on the same friggin network! So no shit, just like Tiger Woods to his wife, this was not an exclusive affair.

Man, just watch the news tonight, and count the "exclusives" they drop. But okay, the rant ends here. The point is kids, that when a media outlet hypes something as exclusive, pay it no mind -- unless it happens to be with a death row inmate who is sitting in the electric chair at the time. So please don’t let "that word" persuade you to buy that next US Weekly. Buy that US Weekly because you’re interested in Carie Underwood’s diet secrets. I’ve always been more of an inclusive guy anyways.

But one last thing. I assume one day I'll be pretty famous. I'm not talking Michael Jackson famous, but probably Matt LeBlanc famous. Regardless, people will no doubt want to interview me. But right here, right now, I am announcing an offer to Time magazine. I will grant them a truly exclusive interview. If they give me a cover story, they can interview me today, and I will promise to never do another interview as long as I live. I'll even sign something. However, my offer expires at the end of this month. So Time, if you want to have your biggest selling issue of all time ... you know what to do.

Oh, and if you count the title, that's 13.

Random Thoughts, Musings, and Observations for 2010

2010-01-05T10:51:00.003-05:00

Hello everyone. How 'bout that flight in? Guess that's why they call it Sin City.

Obviously I spent my Christmas break catching up on movies, 'The Hangover' specifically. I've also spent the last two weeks doing a lot of thinking (and not much writing), so I wanted to share with you some thoughts that have accumulated in my brain over the past 14 days. It's really just a cleansing exercise for me as we move into a new year. Speaking of the New Year:

* Can we come to some agreement on what we're actually calling 2010? Is it twenty-ten or 2K ten or two-thousand and ten? This is driving me crazy.

* Seeing ads for the new season of American Idol is like being diagnosed with a 100% curable form of cancer. You know you're going to recover, but that the next six months are going to be excruciatingly painful.

* A question for all the people that go to Times Square for New Year's: Where do you pee?

* I don't know who this Lady Gaga is, but I like her style.

* Is anyone's New Year's resolution to gain weight?

* Watching Jake from The Bachelor stumble clumsily around trying to pick fifteen girls to give a rose to is the exact opposite of watching the guys from Jersey Shore dominate the females of Seaside Heights. Is there any doubt "The Situation" should be the next bachelor?

* And on that note, why in the world would you not pick the hottest fifteen girls on the first night? I know, personality is most important, but let's be honest: no one is going to marry an ugly chick (unless you are ugly yourself). Trim the fat (literally) and then choose Miss Congeniality out of the 9's and 10's you have left. It's science.

* The Washington Times has dropped the sports section in their newspaper. I actually didn't know there were any other sections of a newspaper besides sports - thought the excess was wrapping paper concealing the gift of the sports page.

* I totally know where Gilbert Arenas is coming from.

* Enough with the podcasts, Bill Simmons. I have a full-time job and manage to post at least one, maybe two, blogs a week. You watch sports for a living and aren't even writing a book anymore (which I bought, thanks to your ten daily tweets about it). Show some effort.

* How come when I'm in the theater, every preview looks awesome, but when I look for movies On Demand at home, I can't find one I want to watch?

* I've never actually seen the show, but how can anybody watch 'Glee'? In case you didn't know, glee is a synonym for happy. So basically people are watching a show called 'Happy.' Would you watch a TV program called 'Funny'?

Well, that's about the extent of it. Thanks for allowing me to mentally regurgitate and feel free to add your comments or thoughts.

12 to 18 inches

2009-12-19T08:49:00.004-05:00

No, this isn't a post about the size of my penis. That's actually the forecast for today's snow fall in my town. Now if you live in upstate New York, Maine, or Siberia, that type of accumulation is nothing more than a drop in the bucket. Here in the mid-Atlantic, it's a state of emergency. I'm not trying to downplay the power of Mother Nature - we've seen her effects in places like New Orleans and Indonesia. But we've become so accustomed to meteorologists overreacting as a "potential" storm approaches, many of us have become jaded and disregard their "professional"advice of staying off the roads or getting out of town. Likewise, other folks hang on to every word their local weatherman says like it's gospel.

So what's missing in this weatherperson-government-citizen equation? Rules. Take it from someone who has totaled a car trying to drive in a torrential rainstorm, weather is not to be taken lightly. At the same time, there's no need to stock up on groceries like we're headed into a nuclear war. Hungry-Man makes a delicious assortment of all-in-one meals that will easily get you through the weekend. And I understand not everyone works a Mon-Fri, 9 to 5, but if you do have to be on the roads in a storm like this, maybe slow down a bit so you don't cause an accident making it worse on everyone else.

Additionally, if you don't have to be on the roads, then stay off them. Let the experts get them salted and plowed before you make that all important trip to McDonald's. And if you're told to evacuate, then by God, evacuate! If you happen to be one of those good samaritans who plans on shoveling his (or hers) entire town's snow, maybe wait until all of the snow has fallen. There's absolutely no need to hear your neighbor at 7 am grunting and scraping his shovel on the ground. Take a nap, pal.

Finally, when a rain or snow storm comes through, enjoy it. Huh? In this day and age of being constantly connected and always on the go, times like today give you the chance to sleep in, cook a BIG breakfast, play some board games, and catch up on the DVR. If you happen to be one of the idiots who hasn't finished their Christmas shopping yet, tough luck. I just found this great site called Amazon.com that pretty much allows you to buy anything you could possibly want or need.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to speed over to Shoprite to pick up some groceries. I hope those stupid plows don't get in my way.

Postscript: In a stunning development, the weather folks actually nailed this one. In fact, they may have underestimated the snowfall amount. We ended up with 24+ inches in my town, which is coincidentally the same amount of water I will have in my basement once this all melts. In April.

A couple of notes from the aftermath - DO make sure you have plenty of salt on hand to melt the ice. DON'T leave it on the back porch the night before you get two feet of snow. DO try to knock down icicles from your roof before they fall down and hit you in the head. DON'T try throwing a shovel javelin-style towards the second story to do this (unless you want said shovel to end up on your roof).

Finally, DON'T drive around just because you have all-wheel or four-wheel drive, but DO laugh at people who get stuck in a drift driving a coupe.

Dude He's on my Fantasy Team

2009-12-18T11:32:00.002-05:00

Fantasy Football is ruining the NFL. There I said it. Wait I take that back, fantasy football is ruining men’s ability to actually watch and enjoy football. Every Tom, Dick, and Harry now spends their Sunday’s rooting for Peyton Manning to throw touchdowns to Pierre Garcon, but not to Reggie Wayne, all so “No Punt Intended” can take out “Urine Trouble” in Week One of their office Fantasy League.

Half the time, there isn’t even money on the line in these leagues but rather it’s all for bragging rights. Seriously, if I was gonna spend the entire NFL season trying to gain bragging rights over my friends and co-workers, I’d save myself 17 weeks and drop my pants in front of them tomorrow.

The part that really annoys the hell out of me regarding fantasy football is that it brings guys who are diehard fans of one team, or at least used to be, to actually root against their team if someone on their fantasy team is playing against their hometown squad. And don’t try to tell me you won’t take a Cowboys player if you are an Eagles fan, or won’t draft Hines Ward cause you love the Ravens. If you are a huge fantasy dork, you don’t care about your preferred NFL team.

My recommendations for enjoying the NFL without Fantasy Football? Either find a team that you love, watch each one of their games intently, bitch about how crappy the play calling is, how terrible their D-Backs are, and how there’s no chance they make the playoffs this season. If that’s not enough for you, open an online betting account and start wagering the rent on the Saints -7 this week.

There is one good thing that Fantasy Football has given us, The League.

I'd Like to Take a Moment to Say, You Done Good

2009-12-17T00:51:00.009-05:00

I’m all about getting recognition. Uh, giving ... yeah, I mean, I'm all about giving recognition. In fact, I think it’s vital; especially in the workplace. I believe nothing motivates more than true and honest acknowledgement of a job well done. You know what I mean? Like when your boss comes up with the idea to give out an AMAZING employee of the month award where the winner gets a sculpture of an oversized pickle, but they only get to keep it on their desk for that month, and then next month it goes to the new winner, so everyone is just busting their ass to win that pickle, and if you want to keep that pickle on your desk you better step it up even higher, because anyone who walks by and sees that pickle knows “You da man!” Yeah, not that type of recognition. I’m talking about something far less kindergarten and much simpler.

I’m talking about your boss sincerely verbally recognizing something you’ve done in front of others (and perhaps giving you a gift certificate to Hooters as a mere token). You’d be surprised how far that goes. I don’t write that because I’ve never been recognized, I actually write that because I don’t recognize others enough. Note to self – recognize more. See, recognizing I need to recognize is half the battle.

But similar to crystal meth, the more and more recognition that you’re given, the less you feel it. And undeserved recognition ... don’t even get me started. My freshman year I played high school football, and if I recall correctly our record was 2 wins and 8 losses. We got trophies though. Seriously the entire team got trophies! I forget what the inscription read, but if it didn’t read “1997’s Biggest Pussies”, then we didn’t deserve them. Which is why recognition is so tough. You wanna give it, but if everyone is getting it, it doesn’t mean a damn thing.

So two things to think about as a manager is how much and how often. To reiterate these I will use scenarios that you can feel free to share with your management team –

SCENARIO 1 - Roger tells you he has just got the phone number of Becky. He is so excited. You proceed to tell him that your friends had previously nicknamed Becky “the town bicycle”. He’s now less excited.

THE POINT - If it is given to everyone, it’s not the right type of recognition.

SCENARIO 2 - Bill meets a girl who gives him "happy pants" every night. Bill loves it! But after about a month something weird happens, and I guess you could say it's taking longer to make Bill's pants happy. In fact, one day Bill actually falls asleep in the middle of happy pants.

THE POINT - If it is given too much, it's not the right amount of recognition.

(please note I am not suggesting anyone cut down on happy pants)

Hopefully you’ve learned something here. These are all things to think about as we head into the time when recognition is most important, and we cannot forget about our people – the year is winding down, you’re being asked to write evaluations, holding meetings about performance – of course I’m talking about …… awards show season!!!! Oscars, Globes, People’s Choice, Grammys, Screen Actors Guild. Let’s not forget it’s the rich and famous that truly need recognizing the most.

On the real though, recognize, but do it right.

What Sucks About Christmas

2009-12-15T16:12:00.007-05:00

Today's post was inspired from a dear friend of mine who reminded me today what a wonderful time of year it is. Unfortunately, it also made me think of all the things that suck about Christmas. Believe me, I'm not your usual holiday-hater. I actually like Christmas songs. Decorating the tree is a joy. I don't find the Salvation Army bell ringer annoying. And baking cookies (or watching my fiance bake cookies) increases both my weight and happiness. But make no mistake, there are some things that occur this time of year that are about as enjoyable as Kathy Bates sitting on my face.

People who bring holiday treats into the office: I literally just polished off a whole cannoli as I wrote that. Why? Because some idiot decided it would be a nice 'gesture' to bring it in. Well here's a gesture right back at you. You're not doing anybody any favors by bringing this stuff in. Same story every year - the office fatty paces back and forth by these snacks, sweating and drooling over it, waiting for someone to make the first move. The females in the office pick and peck at it like little birds to the point that you aren't really sure if they're brownies or a hot steamer the janitor left behind (pissed from cleaning up all the crumbs each night). The worst is when someone brings in some awful candy or half a fruitcake left over from a party you weren't invited to. Good lord, at least have the decency to bring a whole, untouched item and not left over scraps your dog wouldn't even eat.

Not having Christmas or New Year's Day off: And Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve, to boot. In full disclosure, I actually do have off on Christmas and New Year's Day, but it won't stop me from fighting the good fight for all the folks who do not. Let's face it, between all the food, booze, parties, and presents going on this time of year, work efficiency isn't anywhere near peak. Folks are trying to see family and friends, pick up or drop off last minute gifts, and get to church for one of their two visits each year - we don't need work interfering with all of this. Have you ever stopped by a store on Christmas Day? I almost pulled an Angelina Jolie and adopted the kid working the register at CVS last year. It's so depressing. Let's just make it a rule that everything in America (besides hospitals and strip clubs) are closed on December 24th and 25th, as well as Dec. 31st and Jan. 1st. While we're at it, let's throw in the day after the Super Bowl and the first two days of March Madness. Done and Done.

'Christmas Vacation' on TBS: Initial reaction when you see Christmas Vacation come on your TV set - "Yes! I love this movie!! I can't believe Chevy Chase used to be funny!!!" Secondary reaction once you realize it's being shown on TBS - "Weak, no curse words. This is gonna suck." Can we just make a pact with the FCC that when classic movies like this are shown on cable TV, they'll be aired un-edited? I feel like kids are missing out on important lessons about family, like this one:

Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's
walking out on this
fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all
in this together. This is
a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here.
We're gonna press on, and we're
gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas
since Bing Crosby tap-danced with
Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa
squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney
tonight, he's gonna find the
jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the
nuthouse.

Not being able to say Merry Christmas anymore: I know what you're going to say. "Diddy, I thought the Offensive Coordination blog wasn't supposed to be PC?" Well, we're not. But we're also realist. If a Jewish person came up to me and wished me a Happy Hanukkah, I honestly don't know how I would even respond. So I get it. But the real shit of it all is that it's left me so confused on what is appropriate to say, I actually wished someone a "Happy New Year" last Friday. It was December 11th.

People who complain about Christmas: Oh, wait...

A Flash in the Pan

2009-12-14T15:56:00.003-05:00

Not sure how many of you heard this story that went down a little over a week ago, but I don’t think it got enough press for how ridiculous it was. The link to the story can be found here. Basically, the Utah Flash, an NBA-D League team promoted a one on one basketball game between Byron Russell and his Airness, Michael Jordan. Flash owner, Brandt Anderson, started a huge viral marketing campaign around town promoting the fact that Michael Jordan would indeed be in the house for that evening’s game to take on Russell at halftime. As you would expect, the game quickly sold out, and as you would also expect Jordan never showed and never planned to show. I mean, Jordan "Big Leagued" Charlie Sheen in that Hanes Commercial, you really think he's going to Utah to take on Byron Russell?

Being in the minor league sports business, I can almost sympathize with Anderson for trying this stunt, almost. In today’s economy it’s tough to get fans out to your ballpark, arena, rink, whatever your venue may be especially to see a product as crappy as the NBA-D League. Does anyone even go to NBA games anymore unless someone named Lebron, Kobe, or Wade is on the floor?

The only positive I can see coming out of this story is that they get the free press from me blogging about it. I mean there are seven of you that follow Offensive Coordination, most of which probably never heard of the Utah Flash until now. However, in my professional opinion, national press doesn’t do much good for a minor league team. I don’t see myself catching a flight to Utah to check out a Flash game (Mormons frighten me) and I sure as hell wouldn’t be caught dead wearing this.

But let’s be real, think about the long term repercussions of telling a blatant lie to your fan base. Then again, I can only imagine just how big the fan base is for an NBA-DL squad is. It’s pretty clear that the fans of this Orem Utah team aren’t too quick anyway if they really thought one of the largest sports stars ever was going to show to their litte town to play an NBA has been one on one. But don’t worry, upset fans could use their tickets for any other remaining home game and just their luck there’s a big game coming up in January against the Reno Bighorns.

I Hope Your Party Sux

2009-12-14T09:48:00.006-05:00

The first reviews for James Cameron’s new movie Avatar are coming out, and I won’t lie, they have me a little bit upset. The reason? Because they’re actually decent (as of this posting, Rotten Tomatoes had it with a 91% rating). Go ahead and call me a jerk for hoping that this movie tanks. To be honest I’m actually hoping Avatar is the Ryan Leaf of movies. Now I’m sure you’re wondering why that is. As a small child, was I touched by an avatar? No, I wasn’t.

I’ll admit that much of it has to do with James Cameron’s ego. Anyone who has the gall to wear a hat with the acronym "HMFIC" on it deserves to be taken down a peg. I mean, I know Titanic was the biggest movie of all time (one of my proudest accomplishments is never having seen that movie, swear to God), but how much of Titanic’s success had to do with Cameron, versus how much had to do with girls fawning over Leo DiCaprio and teenage boys realizing they could see a topless Kate Winslet without their parents or a fake ID. Give me Leo and a PG-13 boob scene, and I bet I could pull down $1 billion easy, just sayin.

But it’s not just Cameron’s ego that has me hoping Avatar eats shit. A lot of it has to do with the hype too. I have a hard time getting behind anything with so much hype, unless I’m the one hyping it. Honestly though, for me, my problem with Avatar mostly comes down to the money. There are reports that Avatar will be the most expensive movie ever made. We’re in the middle of the worst recession since the great depression and Cameron is spending half a government bailout on a MOVIE. I understand special effects are expensive, but wow.

And now for my typical ridiculous analogy. I see Avatar as one of those birthday parties on MTV’s “My Super Sweet 16”. The parents (the movie studio) spend a ridiculous amount of money on their brat of a kid’s (James Cameron’s) birthday party (the movie). If you’ve seen the show then you know what I mean. When you watch that show, you always hope for the party to be a huge failure and the kid to be crying in the end. Why? Because the kid is a jerk (and usually so are the parents). And because no one 16 year old has ever done anything to deserve that type of party.

Now as usual, I understand that’s a stretch, but hopefully you see the main theme. Only the future will show us how successful Avatar will be, but some of the early reviews say it will top Titanic. Lord I hope not. I’d ask that we not get caught up in the special effects. If you look closely enough at the trailer, you can tell the movie has the same story as Dances With Wolves and The Last Samurai, just using weird looking blue people. So more or less, if it weren’t for the $500 million they gave him, James Cameron would have just another rip-off. Let’s ruin his Super Sweet 16 by not getting caught up in the crazy decorations, 20-foot cake, Ciara performance, and the BMW his parents have parked outside for him. In fact, let’s just not even show up.

But then again, I understand it will be tough to ignore the invite (the hype), so if you’re going to go, please just do me one favor … be sure to be just as judgmental as James Cameron would be at your party.

Guilty Pleasures

2009-12-11T12:09:00.003-05:00

If you've been reading this blog, than you know exactly what this is about. If not, scroll down to the November 16th post. It's worth it just for the Beyonce picture. And we're off...

26) Going out for lunch - I could have a filet covered in crabmeat in my lunchbox (yes, I have a lunchbox) and it wouldn't beat getting out of the office for an hour to enjoy a $12 salad or an appeteaser combo at Applebee's.

91) Wearing a scarf - Kinda gay, but it's fun to look like a J Crew model without wearing skintight khakis or spending $100 on a shirt.

107) Saved By the Bell: The College Years - A train wreck compared to the Bayside years (but definitely better than the Miss Bliss era), I can't take my eyes off it. Not sure which is less realistic: the gang spending an entire semester without drinking a single beer or Bob Golic 'acting' as a Resident Advisor? Either way, thank you TBS for making me late every day that you show one of these priceless episodes.

45) Mike and Mike -Speaking of Golics, did you know that Mike Golic is fat and Mike Greenberg is Jewish? LOL. Not really. This tired act has been on the air for a decade and continues to gain in popularity, even though neither has produced an actual opinion in probably five years. Regardless, at least they are talking sports and not Lindsey Lohan and more importantly, don't take calls from idiot listeners (easily the worst part of sports radio).

112) The Food Network - Not only are we the most obese country in the world, we actually have an entire channel devoted to eating. Ironically, there isn't a Health and Wellness channel (at least not on my dial). What other channel can you be simultaneously turned on and learn how to make a killer lasagna? I once saw Paula Deen make a fried egg sandwich using pancakes as the bread. Awesome.

Tygert Isn't A Saint (That's His Real Name, Look It Up)

2009-12-09T12:11:00.004-05:00

I’ll try to make this quick … And absurd. Here we go. I’m about to compare Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, to the cause of the recession. Now listen, I know what you’re thinking … but no, it has nothing to do with how annoying Ty Pennington is. Although I’ll admit, that guy is so hyper he makes crackheads say, “Man, that dude’s a fuckin crackhead.” It’s not to do with him though. It has to do with incentives and intentions.

I'll get to the Extreme Makeover connection in a moment, but you see, although plenty of people will argue, a major cause of the recession was poor incentives for mortgage brokers.

The Cliffs Notes are like this: mortgage brokers get paid by volume. More mortgages, more money. So they put people in houses they cant afford. Even if the house on the application has more bedrooms than the applicant has teeth (and even if it means tricking them into believing they can afford it). And why? Because is a mortgage broker’s incentive to do right by the homeowner? Shit no! It’s to sell more mortgages!

Well we know what happened from there: boatloads of unsafe mortgages were packaged into securities by the banks and given high ratings (because the rating agencies were being paid by the banks, another brilliant way to incentivize, HA!). Then, every Tom, Dick, and Lehman was buying these securities like they were Crocs and it were 2007. That is until everyone realized they were ugly as sin, (i.e., the homebuyers couldn’t make the payments), and the securities (much like Crocs) were worthless, and since everyone and their transgender half-brother was balls-deep in this stuff, BOOM, recession. (For a nice powerpoint you've probably seen to explain this concept check this out)

Well what does this have to do with Extreme Makeover: Home Edition? The recession itself? Not much. The CAUSE of the recession? A lot. You see, you’ve heard the term “predatory lending”, right? Well how about “predatory shit-hole house demolition and mansion building”? Extreme Makeover does the same thing mortgage lenders did to start this whole mess: they put people in houses they can’t afford. Now if you’re thinking, wait RG$, Extreme Makeover pays for the houses, that’s a good point. Yes the house may be paid for, but guess what? Ty Pennington doesn’t pay your electric bills (he uses all his money on hair gel). And as you can see here, mansions aren’t cheap to keep up, especially when you take out home equity lines on them.

But why should Extreme Makeover care? The reason they don’t? Their incentive is like a mortgage brokers. To make money. And how do they make money? By selling ads. And how do they sell ads? By making compelling TV. And how do they make compelling TV? By picking the poorest people possible, in the worst houses you can imagine, and then give them the most extravagant upgrade a willing reality show contestant could dream of. But that is where the comparison ends.

Okay, that was a little exaggerated, most of the people on that show actually benefit from the “good deeds” that ABC “unselfishly” does for them. But there are two points here:

1) People (both mortgage brokers and television executives) will do what they are incentivized to do.

2) It is not the deed that determines the goodness; it's the intent.

Think about it kids. God bless.

Buried Treasure

2009-12-08T16:10:00.003-05:00

Today's post comes courtesy of Darren Rovell (CNBC's sports reporter) and his link to this New York Times article. Based on your following of this blog, it's safe to assume you are either a) as lazy as me or b) lazier than me, so allow me to summarize the article for you:

Jesus Leonardo, of Wanaque, NJ, is what's known as a "stooper." Stoopers are people who hang around off-track betting establishments picking up tickets thrown away by others. While most of these tickets are losing bets, a few actually turn out to be winners. So many turn out to be winners, in fact, that Mr. Leonardo practices stooping as a full-time job. He makes between $100-300 per day and over $45,000 per year.

OK, stop the presses. You're telling me I can make over $45,000 a year simply by digging things out of the trash? Where can I sign up? Seriously, this sounds like the best deal ever. And don't get all snooty and uppity about trolling through some trash. You're picking out bet slips, not maggots. It's like owning your own business plus gambling divided by the fact that you're not really risking anything. That's an equation for happiness, my friends.

This also got me thinking about what else I'd be willing to do to make $45K a year, without really working or having a boss. Everyone remembers the Seinfeld bottle deposit scam, but is that possible? Newman and Kramer thought they had it all figured out, but in the end it didn't work out (partly Jerry and Elaine's fault, but that's for another post). I had some friends once who delivered newspapers, but the hours were heinous (3am - 7am) and let's face it, newspapers will be completely obsolete in about three more years. I want something with more longevity than that. I'd suggest something involving strip clubs, but I'd end up either divorced or broke, so that's no good.

I need something I don't mind doing that other people would never think of or would never want to do, and most importantly, make money doing it. I'd throw out "listening to Rosie O'Donnell", but I don't think there's any money in that. Picking up dog feces? I can't figure out a business model that would work. Would people pay you monthly and then call you whenever their dog took a dump? The 1-800-GOT-JUNK people are on to something. Could I show up at people's houses and throw shit away for them? Maybe, but it would be tough to do as just one guy. I also might get arrested if I just showed up at someone's house and threw their couch away.

For now, I'm going to continue in my role as a sales executive. But I will continue to dream of my own "ticket in the trash" scheme...

An American in Cape Town

2009-12-07T12:24:00.002-05:00

After last week’s World Cup draw, I made a commitment to myself and my country to follow the United States World Cup run this year. The best part is, we get the Brit’s in the first round. Since they are still reeling from that whipping we put on ‘em back in ’76, I think we got them right where we want them.

I’ll be the first to admit that I know absolutely nothing about soccer, something I share with approximately 83% of Americans. However, after a few quick glances at a couple soccer themed Wikipedia pages, I think I’m getting up to speed. Below are a several things I think the US can do in order improve their chances to bring home a trophy or medal or whatever you get for winning the World Cup, come Summer 2010 in South Africa and inturn make soccer relevant in the US.

1. Two word names: In order to be taken seriously in international soccer you need to have at least two players on your squad known only by a single name. Pele, Ronaldinho, and Ronaldo all kicked serious ass from what I’ve been told. That being said, Landon Donovan, you’re now Landovan. Tim Howard, lets go with Hondo.

2. Start using hands: It’s just like the international community to only want to do things half-assed. Us Americans know we do things at least at least 50% better than the rest of the world, that’s what G.W. Bush taught me anyway, so we’ll settle for only using one of our hands during the 2010 World Cup. I mean that bloke from France did it against Ireland this year and no one seemed to care.

3. Low Scoring Games: As American’s we like offense and points. Tom Brady and Peyton Manning aren’t American Icons because they let their place kickers score all the points, they put the ball in the end zone and put points on the board.

Since by my calculations, soccer is a pretty lame game, let’s cut the size of the field in half, double the size of the goals, and allow more contact. I know, sounds a lot like American Football but shut up. Scoring 7 or 8 goals a game will definitely spice things up. I mean look what that did for the NHL, ok bad example.

In all serious though I am excited about US Soccer and the World Cup this summer, so don’t let us down. Soccer has a serious chance to make some headway in America as a sport that we actually care about.

Oh How I Love Thee? Let Me Count The Carats

2009-12-06T23:21:00.002-05:00

My roommates and I have been playing a new game. Whenever a commercial begins with soft music, muted colors, and makes you want to throw up in your mouth, we all shout out a guess of which jewelry store it will be for. It’s kinda like "Name That Tune" but way more stupid. I do have to say however, that I’ve gotten pretty good. I can call out a Zales commercial before the male character even attempts to show his love, and well before the female character shows she’s materialistic.

I don’t know what it is about jewelry commercials though (some would accuse me of being bitter and single), but as Peter Griffin would say, they really “grind my gears”. I mean, I’m all for romance, and trust me, I’ve bought jewelry for a girl or two, or three, or … you can guess how that worked out for me. But I feel like these commercials are damaging. They are teaching the young women of our great nation that gold digging is standard.

Just a small sampling of the things we can take from jewelry commercials:

We learn here by spending between $200 and $2500 that we can “say I love you like never before.” It’s obvious to me that the guy spending two hundy is saying I love you a little bit differently than the guy spending two Gs. But it’s love either way, right?

This is a classic. Here we learn that although the kids spent all day pampering Mom on Mother’s Day, Dad can make her forget all about the little bastards because he’s got a bank account with more than a hundred dollars in it. You just got one-upped. Suckas!

This one shows us it is important to point out to our small impressionable nieces that although people may tell us they like us, they don’t actually like us until they show us with a necklace.

But I digress …

I mean, we’ve known for a while that “Every kiss begins with Kay”. I take that to signify that you can’t get any action without buying jewelry. I’d have to say I disagree with that theory. What if I told you I have evidence that you can actually get action by buying expensive meals too? So take that Kay Jewelers! Sometimes kisses begin with filets.

But listen, I get it. When someone gives you something expensive, you assume it means a lot, especially if they had to work hard to afford it. And I’m all for showing love that way if you have the means (like I said, I’ve gone down that road before). But it shouldn’t be expected, and we shouldn’t be glorifying it on TV the way we do. We should be teaching kids that love has absolutely nothing to do with money. I’d say I’ve done things in the past for women I’ve loved that cost me absolutely nothing, and to them meant more than anything high-priced and shiny.

Lastly, and not to backtrack into ranting, but specifically because of their commercials, I will never buy ANYTHING from Jared Jewelers. I’ve been this close to throwing a full glass of Knob Creek at my TV during one of their commercials. Unfortunately I could not find video of my most-hated one (for those that have seen it, it’s the crossword one). But, honestly I’ve never heard anyone in real life get excited because “He went to Jared!”, unless Jared happened to be the name of their drug dealer.

America is materialistic enough without these ads, let's stop it.

And this says it all.

Was MA$E retarded?

2009-12-04T11:39:00.007-05:00

I guess you could say, "Is MA$E retarded?" but I prefer thinking of Mr. Betha in the past tense since he was such an integral part of my adolescence. Either way, this particular thought crosses my mind from time to time and since my pseudonym is Diddy, who better than me to analyze this sensitive topic?

Let's break retardation into three categories: Speech, Clothing, and Actions. For if you speak like a retard, dress like a retard, and act like a retard, well, you know the rest.

Speech - Listening to MA$E speak is kind of like listening to this kid after his dentist appointment. He has a very slow drawl which, if by itself, wouldn't be so bad. But combined with a total lack of coherency when actually using words, it offers up some of the worst rap lyrics in history. For instance:

Yo, you better do what I say yo
Get this through your head-o
Long time comin', but waitin for my date-o
My man Blake-O, leave the scene hardly awake-o

-- I Really Like It

Cats who don't make dough, I can't affiliate wit 'em

I'm dyin from a sickness known as Willie-ism

-- N***** Wanna Act

Obviously that is a small sample size, but if you are a fan of hip-hop at all, you should have some familiarity with albums like Harlem Word and Double Up. If you're a fan of hip-hop you also know that, although lyrics from these albums and other MA$E collabos are contrite and senseless, it's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the rap game. Check out the site Snacks and Shit for some comparatively bad lyrics. So even though I'd love to claim retardation on this charge, I think MA$E probably places in the fiftieth percentile when it comes to rapper IQs. Verdict: Not Retarded.

Clothing - What. The. Fuck.

Look, I get the fact that Puff can be persuasive and all, but if any of your friends came to you and said "Hey man, let's go to school tomorrow wearing the same exact red jumpsuits" you'd probably call poison control to make sure they hadn't accidentally ingested a mind altering substance. And this is coming from the guy who wore sweatpants to school through the 5th grade. Verdict: Mild Retardation.

Actions - I know there are all kinds of rumors of why MA$E left the rap game to pursue life as a minister. Beef with Puff, a higher calling, death threats from Cam'ron, etc. Now I wasn't going to question the man's motives when it comes to giving himself up to God, but then I saw this website. Verdict: Maybe smarter than we thought.

So even though I'd like to paint Mason Betha with the retard brush, he doesn't quite measure up. On a scale of Corky to Einstein, he probably falls somewhere between Maxine Waters and Ron Artest. And definitely above any cast member on MTV's new show, Jersey Shore.

Pass the Turducken

2009-12-03T12:16:00.004-05:00

As someone whose weight has fluctuated over the years more than Oprah during the 80's, I consider myself somewhat of an expert in the area of weight loss and gain for that matter. Most recently I’ve managed to lose about thirty pounds in roughly three months and keep it off for almost a year now; pretty sure that makes me credible. Although over the years I’ve never tried the Atkins, Hollywood, or South Beach diet to lose weight, mostly because I’m not an idiot and realize they don’t work. That being said, I have used every possible means to gain weight, including laziness and beer, two of the most effective I’ve seen, to put on the pounds. If you’re interested in how to become a total fat ass fast, I can blog about that at a later date.

Every late night infomercial wants to show you can shock your abs, uncarb your diet, or literally shit your way to weight loss (Hollywood diet, look it up). But let’s be honest, does any of that really work? Has it ever worked for anyone for more than about six weeks? Sure, you may be able to drop a few pounds quickly, but is it the healthiest thing to do? Probably not, I mean didn’t Dr. Atkins die of a heart attack?

Most of us know that the only way to successfully lose weight for the long term is to change your lifestyle, beginning with a healthy diet and regular exercise. I will never understand why American’s can’t figure this out. Is it our obsession with the likes of Kirstie Alley, Tyra Banks, and Kevin James? I don’t think so, well maybe Kevin James. Have you seen Paul Blart Mall Cop? I read a stat recently that by the year 2020, 87% of the United States could be obese, or something like that, I think. Either way, people are getting fatter every day and it’s just scary. Plain and simple we could save two Obama terms worth of stimulus packages in health care costs if people started taking even a little bit better care of themselves.

I hope each one of you is able to take a look in the mirror this holiday season, on second thought, let’s get started after the first of the year, your moms cooking, amongst other things, is too good, and start planning a better you. Do yourself, your company’s healthcare plan, and for God’s sake your family a favor and take the stairs, pass on dessert, and consider joining a gym this year. Your significant other thanks you, they’re tired of your fat ass taking up their half of the bed.

Leave Me Alone, No Thanks

2009-12-03T00:16:00.005-05:00

As if you haven’t heard enough about Tiger in the past week. I promise, I’ll spare you. This post won’t be about him … Just kidding. This post is about Tiger. Just like Tiger, I break promises.

I will, however, refrain from in-depth details that you’ve probably already read. If you need them, check reputable news outlets TMZ and US Weekly. Bottom line, Tiger’s sorry for his “transgressions”. And by transgressions, he means getting caught. He’s real sorry he got caught. He’s also REAL pissed his privacy is gone. From his first statement it’s clear he understands the curiosity into his “accident”, but c’mon people, it’s a private matter! He admits the crash was his fault, and definitely not that of anyone chasing his Escalade with a 3-iron (sorry, no offense to Elin, she’s a victim, but let’s silence the violence people!). He did say he will “certainly make sure this doesn't happen again." And by “this”, he obviously means getting caught.

It’s apparent what Tiger did was wrong. I mean, did you see these chicks? Jamiee Grubbs? Her last name is oh so fitting. Whether it’s grubbing for attention, or grubbing for money, this girl’s … you guessed it … a grub. (When you’ve been in the spotlight for five minutes, and someone’s already touting a sex tape, you know you got issues). It’s clear sexting Grubbs was wrong. I kid though. The reason it was wrong isn’t because Elin Nordegren wouldn’t wipe her ass with any of these floozies. It's wrong because of all the things we learn about honesty and loyalty when we’re young.

I’m done with the act itself though. Although it may not seem that way, this post has a completely different message. It’s about Tiger’s plea for privacy. Tiger asking the public to leave him alone, and let him handle his business at home? It doesn’t fly with me. I’ve heard many people say that this needs to stay out of the media, and that it’s not right for us to publicize a private life. I understand where that opinion is coming from. I sure as hell wouldn’t want my business all over the place. But then again, I live by the theory that we should only do things that we’d want “our Moms and the New York Times” to find out about.

Overall I’d have to say that private lives deserve to be private. But not Tiger’s.

I don’t believe that's a double standard either. It has to do with how Tiger got where he is today. I strongly believe that if you use your PERSONA to make redonkulous amounts of money, then this sort of thing not only comes with the territory, but should be expected. I’m sick of hearing anything from people who want themselves in your living room when they’re on TV playing golf, or on TV selling you razors, or on TV selling you credit cards, or on TV selling you Gatorade, and want you to see them on the news when they’re opening up a new golf academy for underprivileged kids, and want you playing their video game, but want out of your living room as soon as they're fucking up. Tiger Woods is a BRAND, people! And he sells himself as a person, a good person who’s a role model, and a profitable choice to represent many products. That is why it is ridiculous for him to think people should leave him alone when negative press happens. There are flaws in his persona, and these flaws are important for consumers and potenetial business partners to know about.

I’m all for taking it easy on victims (dragging Elin through the media, isn’t what I’m suggesting), but I have to be real. This analogy is a stretch, but take a publically traded company for example. A toy company that sells itself as a maker of safe, fun, learning toys. This toy company is doing so well, its image is impeccable, and profits are through the roof. Well, one day they cut some corners and a bunch of lead paint gets into the toys, and they make it out to the market. The story breaks in the news that kids are getting sick and dying from the toys. People are coming out of the woodwork to speak out against the company. So what does the company do? They issue a statement on their website that says: “We apologize for some recent transgressions, and we promise they wont happen again, while we understand the curiousity, we’d appreciate privacy while we deal with these transgressions behind closed doors.” Now, I told you this was a stretch, but work with me. Tiger Woods is not making money just by being a golfer, he’s making money by being the person that he is as a brand (flaws and all). But when a mistake tarnishes the brand like this, you can’t tell people to leave the brand alone. Unless of course, you’d rather not be a brand.

Waxing Hypothetic

2009-12-01T16:26:00.005-05:00

I feel for the fans of Cleveland. I really do. As a Philadelphia sports fan, I appreciate the emptiness created by losing seasons and heartbreaking losses. No city in America has endured the pain that Cleveland has as a sports town. The Indians have traded away, in subsequent years no less, two Cy Young winning pitchers. The Browns have had more coaches (5) than winning seasons (2), since returning to the city. And before 2003, this is what people thought of when you mentioned the Cavs.

Now the Browns still suck, and the Indians are out of Cy Youngs to trade, but the Cavs have something special: LeBron. The question is, for how long? Ever since he signed his extension back in 2006, fans and media anointed this summer as the "Summer of LeBron." His impending free agency in 2010 has received more attention than the world's potential end in 2012. The Cavaliers, to their credit, have done everything possible to put a championship-caliber team around LeBron. The city has embraced him. And if the Cavaliers win the whole thing this year? You can kiss him goodbye.

Think about it: If LeBron brings this tormented city a trophy this summer, what does he owe them? I say nothing. He can walk (or run) away to the bright lights of New York or the warm sands of Miami with no guilt whatsoever. For he would have brought "The Mistake by the Lake" the one thing its been missing: a championship. Now, there's no guarantee that he wouldn't leave if he didn't win it all this year, but I get the idea that The King senses his importance and relevance to not just the Cavs, but the city of Cleveland and the NBA as a whole. If a mid-market team still can't keep their best player in a salary cap system, what chance do teams like Oklahoma City have when a guy like Kevin Durant becomes free? Let's not forget that LeBron doesn't even turn twenty-five until December 30Th. He could sign another 3-year extension and still only be 28 years old when he becomes a free agent again. I don't think the city would ever recover from LeBron leaving Cleveland after this year (without a ring) and winning one somewhere else. A guy doesn't lay a masterpiece in the same place he plans to take a dump, and I just can't see him leaving Ohio high and dry like that.

So assuming LeBron is definitely gone if they win the championship and definitely staying for at least three more years if they don't, I ask you Cleveland, which would you prefer? The guaranteed championship with a decade of cellar-dwelling to follow (without LeBron) or three more years of high level excitement and a chance for a title each season (with LeBron)? I think this question is unique to Cleveland because for most sports fans, the answer is simple - guaranteed championship. But most of us don't have iconic, global superstars on our favorite teams that transcend beyond sports. Does the immediate return outweigh the long-term implications? Unfortunately, no one made a movie called "2010" or we'd know how this one turns out.

Let's Stop Fueling the Fame-Fire

2009-11-28T11:06:00.000-05:00

This post is extremely hypocritical, but I just had to say something. The media does bad people favors. By bad people, I mean people who do inappropriate things solely to become famous. The media latches on to these stories, and beats you over the head with them until these people actually become famous. I think it's time to realize that we'd have less of these people if the media didn't make it clear they are willing to help just about anyone advance their sick "get famous" goals. Balloon boy wasn't the first, and we find out weekly that he isn't the last either. To be honest what really spurred this post was the "White House Party Crashers" (I refuse to link to story because I don't want to feed into the problem). Being home for Thanksgiving has given me time to watch a lot of TV. I've seen everyone from CBS to Fox News run story after story about, who are these people, what do we know about the party crashers, who did they talk to, how did they get by security, what do their friends have to say, what does Katie Couric have to say, what new details are coming out about the crashers, let's talk about what we know about the crashers, were these crashers really invited, what does the crashers' lawyer have to say, were the crashers vying for a reality show, what else can we find out about the crashers. PLEASE STOP! I'll tell you all you need to know about the crashers. They are sick-in-the-head fame whores, and let's stop talking about them. Thank God Tiger is cheating on his wife, so this story may go away soon.

Something Stinks in the Swamp

2009-11-26T08:37:00.005-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! What am I grateful for this year? Great family and friends, three NFL games on TV today, and a four-day weekend. What am I not thankful for? The fact that two of the NFL games will feature either the Lions or Raiders (really?) and the weekend-long media love affair with Tim Tebow, who will be playing his final game at "The Swamp" on Saturday. This isn't so much a "I hate Tim Tebow" piece; it's more of a "I think Tim Tebow is totally overrated" piece.

Let's start by comparing two players:

Player A's career stats - 8,335 total yards, 81 TDs, 65.7% completions

Player B's career stats - 12,000 total yards, 96 TDs, 66.9% completions

Both players are 22 year old seniors, six-foot three and weigh 240 lbs. Without knowing the names, you'd have to concede that Player B is slightly better than Player A. So who are these players? Player A is one Tim Tebow. Player B? Dan LeFevour.

So who is Dan LeFevour? You probably haven't heard of him because he plays for the Central Michigan Chippewas. While there is something to be said for a guy who leads his team to SEC and National Titles, I still can't fathom why he won a Heisman Trophy. For the record, LeFevour's Chippewas have won two MAC Championships during his tenure, and are playing for a third this season. And while comparing a national title to a MAC title is a little like comparing Kim Kardashian to Khloe Kardashian, they are still Kardashians. And let's not forget that these "national titles" are nothing more than fantasy games because they aren't even created by a playoff. I'm more impressed by Tebow's conference championships which, like I mentioned before, he has the exact same amount of as Dan "The Man" LeFevour - two.

Ok, so you want to argue that LeFevour's conference and competition is inferior to Tebow's? Fair enough. The SEC is the best college football conference in America. But I would argue that LeFevour has built his stats with inferior talent surrounding him, a much more impressive feat to me. He's never gotten to throw to a Percy Harvin or run behind future NFL offensive lineman. LeFevour's number one receiver last year is now working as a janitor for the school (ok, I made that up). But you get the point.

I'm not saying Tim Tebow doesn't deserve some credit for Florida's success and I'm not saying he isn't a good player. All I'm trying to say is that when talking about the best players in college football, remember the name: Dan LeFevour. That is all.

Poking, Tweeting, and Doing Hard Time

2009-11-22T23:53:00.002-05:00

It boggles my mind that the internets and social networking have come to this. People getting busted for Facebook posts, and others getting arrested for NOT tweeting? These four recent stories wouldn't have seemed possible even 5 years ago, but the world continues to spiral out of control:

1) A woman loses her health benefits because she claimed to be suffering from depression, but posted pics of herself smiling at the beach on her Facebook. If she wasn't depressed, she surely is now. Nice of her to cooperate with the media, and leak her own story. That sounds like something a depressed person would do, right? Regardless, in her defense I will say this: there was this one time I was in a really bad mood, but someone I was hanging out with happened to have a camera. They requested a picture. Just before they took the picture, they said "Okay, smile!", and I obliged. I was still in a bad mood, but if you look at the photographic evidence from that day, I look happy. Hopefully you get where I'm going with that stupid story. Apparently her insurance company didn't take into account that most people smile for pictures, even when they're not happy. And apparently she didn't take into account that she is a moron.

2) New, annoying, teen sensation, Justin Bieber plans an album signing at a Long Island mall. A riot ensues. Completely unrelated, Justin Bieber needs a haircut. For safety reasons the signing is cancelled. Cops ask one of Bieber's handlers to send out a tweet announcing cancellation. Handler refuses, and gets arrested. Busted for NOT tweeting. Is that really a crime? Is Twitter really their jurisdiction? I'm picturing a day when I get a knock on my door, and the police are standing there, guns drawn, threatening to shoot if I don't change my MySpace profile picture. And lastly, Justin Bieber needs a haircut.

3) This one's a classic. Dude gets arrested for robbery. But wait ... dude's Facebook got updated with status "Where's my pancakes?", right at the time of the robbery. So no way dude coulda done it. If you're home looking for your pancakes, you are not robbing places. It's just one of the great truths of this world. Hold on though, is there a way that this guy possibly left himself logged in, and someone else updated his status? Nah.

4) A little older, but the story of the woman who was arrested for poking someone on Facebook is a real gem. In a literal sense, there are some times when "poking" should be considered illegal. But Facebook poking? I'm not so sure. In this case the woman was braking a restraining order, so yeah, it was a stupid thing for her to do. But seriously, c'mon! The other party here should've had this woman blocked, right? What idiot files for a restraining order against someone but then leaves them unblocked on Facebook? Someone who deserves to get poked, that's who.

Hopefully you learned something from these stories. I learned that nothing surprises me anymore with the craziness that exists on the internets. It's a dangerous place. Stay safe out there friends.

Better to be Pissed Off than Pissed On.

2009-11-18T12:03:00.001-05:00

Along the lines of Diddy’s last post about guilty pleasures I wanted to touch on a few things that have been bothering me lately. When I say, “bothering me lately”, I mostly mean shit that annoys the hell out of my boring ass life. Below is the list with a short explanation. Here goes:

1. Taylor Swift: This damn chick is everywhere. Look, I get it that Kanye punked your ass out on national TV and made everyone in America feel bad for you, but I’m sick of hearing your songs, particularly on country radio. The only thing that makes your songs country is how depressing they are. Good for you, I’m glad you’re making beau coups of money but let’s stick to pop before George Strait puts out a dis-twang on you.

2. Social Media/Networking Experts: In the last several months I’ve discovered the endless joys of twitter. It’s become a one stop shop for up-to-date information on pretty much everything, breaking sports news, networking, Ocho Cinco’s whearabouts, seriously important shit. I’ve also noticed how many “social media” experts there are out there and how quick they are to identify themselves as such, each one of them promising to help grow my business one tweet at a time. Look, just because you live in your mom’s basement and have more porn sites following your account than I do doesn’t qualify you as an expert. Frankly, I’m not even sure it’s possible to be an expert in this category. I do think that twitter can help your business but let’s be honest, it’s mostly used to stalk celebrities. And come on, when there are daily trending topics, like #yourmama or #happybdayFab it’s hard to take the site too serious.

3. Realtor’s Advertising: This one has actually baffled me for many years, but I never quite understood Realtor’s need to use their face in every single form of advertising they do from business cards, to billboards, to one I saw this week, the back windshield of their Ford Taurus. In no other business is this practice put in play. Hell, if I put my mug on my business cards I’d probably never get another sale. The part that gets me the most is that the picture on said advertising never looks anything like the actual person. I’m not sure where the big book of Real Estate is that says the best way to get new customers is to get glamour shots taken, plaster them all over town, with the most ridiculous hair and makeup combinations the more effective.

The 100 Best Quotes from 'The Wire'

2009-11-17T13:57:00.000-05:00

The best quotes from the best show. Ever.

"Inappropriate King Live"

2009-11-16T23:50:00.002-05:00

I know I was just hating on Larry King, and this has already been all over the internets, but I had to. Drake Savage's dream girl goes on Larry King Live. She's got skills that Mark McGwire would bow down to.

But the best part is her mother's comments afterwards.

Are all mothers really this delusional? Or do they feel they have to do this sort of thing? I mean, my Mom used to tell people I was a basketball superstar when I just went 0 for 7 with 3 airballs in middle school b-ball, but there comes an age (and I think it usually comes before they make their first sex tape) when you gotta tell your kid they suck. Or at least stop highlighting things they do poorly as accomplishments.

Guilty Pleasures

2009-11-16T21:32:00.004-05:00

Who doesn't like a list? They're easy, quick, and fun like the girls on Sex Rehab w/ Dr. Drew. This one is a doozy, too. It's a list of guilty pleasures - you know, things that we enjoy doing but would never admit to (like rollerblading). We'll add to it from time to time and feel free to add your own in the comments section. Without further adu, and in no particular order:

153) Beyonce music videos - Kanye's not the only one who thinks her videos are the "best of all-time." Some of these videos are borderline softcore porn. Sweet dreams indeed.

212) Fireworks - Sure, these stopped being cool somewhere between the ages of 10-12, but light up a sparkler and I'll start clapping like those toy monkeys with the cymbals.

47) Love, Actually - Hugh Grant. English accents. Christmas theme. Keira Knightley. I'm in.

119) Juice Boxes - When's the last time you had a Capri Sun? Exactly. Instead we have to choke down violent swill like Ginseng infused mocha passion fruit and pretend we really like it.

65) Dancing - Is there any greater combination in the world then a wedding, open bar, and a DJ? I consider myself a mix between James Brown and Mark Madsen on the dance floor.

22) Tanning - I'm not talking about the ubergay tanning bed kind of tanning. I'm talking about getting on the beach and converting your pasty white skin to a beautiful shade of gold.

129) T-Pain - Oh, just because Jay-Z put out a song called 'Death of Autotune', we're all supposed to start hating T-Pain. Well, in my humble opinion, Jay-Z sucks for putting out that awful song 'Empire State of Mind' which appeals to about 0.01 % of his fan base. And for the record, this T-Pain song was written as a joke - just try not liking it.

The "Everything's Going Really Well" Theory

2009-11-12T12:12:00.010-05:00

Things are going really well for me right now.

Ugh. I hate when I hear people say this. You know why? Because it's bullshit. No one who says they're "doing really well" is actually doing anything of the sort. It's an elaborate scheme of half-truths and deception, that frankly, drives me Gary Busey-level crazy.

So when does this sordid game of BS, designed to make us honest workers feel totally inept because work and life mostly sucks for us, begin? I believe the delusion happens somewhere around college graduation. Some of us (like me) finished school within a reasonable amount of time (4 years) and moved seamlessly into the "real world," learning about business first-hand and wondering why we spent so much time on SWOT Analysis. Others stayed in school a bit longer, and upon graduation, realized there aren't a lot of legal jobs out there that allow you to sleep till noon everyday and not come in on Fridays.

Over the next couple of years you, the worker bee, will come across these nomadic individuals at different events (note: these events are almost always concerts or sporting events and said individuals will almost always be hammered drunk) and upon catching up, the inevitable question "So, where are you working now?" will be asked. Here's your first sign of total BS - if they can't tell you where they work or what they do in less than ten words. For example, I would say "I work for Company X where I sell sponsorship." Nine words. They in turn would tell you a complicated tale about starting their own consulting business that deals with real estate and mutual funds and magic juice. Whatever. You go your separate ways on the occasion wondering what the hell that person was talking about.

This brings us to the present. You're putting in 60 hours a week. You have more clothes in your hamper than you do in your closet. The fridge is empty. You haven't had a vacation, much less a day off, in what feels like a decade. You're planning a wedding and paying for a house. Stress is at an all-time high. So you decide to call one of your deadbeat friends, someone you know is way more worse off than you so you can feel a little bit better about yourself. And that's when it happens:

Me: "Hey man, how are things? You still doing that real estate investment consultation thing?"

Them: "Yea, things are going really well for me right now."

Me: (Click).

It gets worse. You start seeing them on Facebook with their arms around models, sitting courtside at a Lakers game, drinking Ace of Spades. They twitter about how great living in New York City or Florida or California is (they always live in NYC/Miami/LA). You begin to wonder where you messed up in life and start questioning every decision you've made since graduation. But the truth is, these people aren't happy at all. Whether it's a shitty family situation, credit card debt, a blow problem, an addiction to hookers, AIDS, etc. - these people are all trying to overcome feelings of inadequacy and self-worth. They have to constantly tell themselves how well they are doing and in turn, tell the whole world. You dig around a little bit and you find out the person is actually sleeping on one of your truly successful friend's couches in New York City because they just got laid off from their job and their girlfriend left them.

Quick story: I had a meeting last spring with a company interested in doing a sponsorship. The CEO went on and on about how great the business was doing and all the great events he'd been to over the past six months. I proposed a $5K deal to him. He turned it down. Two weeks later, the company filed Chapter 11.

The moral of the story: don't be a douche. I'm sure that will be the moral of many stories on this blog in the months and years to come, but it rings especially true here. If you are one of the lucky few who are truly doing well, are blessed with good health and a normal family, god bless you. Keep it to yourself and enjoy it. To those who haven't quite gotten it together yet and are still struggling with "finding themselves", it's OK to be honest about it. Yea, we're going to make fun of you. But we're also going to respect you.

For the record, I'm not doing really well and I'm totally miserable. And I couldn't be happier.

Gesundheit

2009-11-11T23:30:00.001-05:00

I saw this girl on the Today show this morning. And if this is some sort of "Balloon Boy" stunt concocted by her parents, then goddamnit this is an America I don't want to live in.

Today Show Clip

Who Dey?

2009-11-11T09:55:00.004-05:00

First off, I'd like to personally thank each and every one of you for taking the time to read our blog, you both mean a lot to us. We are confident that this hilarious account of the lives we live will lead us to stardom and for me personally, a marriage to one of the Kardashians.

Who Dey?

During the last Sunday's Ravens game, in between super safety Ed Reed's failed arm tackles, Hauschka's missed field goal, and a complete abandonment of the running game, I lost interest. However, there to grab my interest in between half price appetizers and thoughts of Chris Berman at Applebees, was the Bengals "Battle Cry".

For those of you who aren't familiar with the mildly famous Bengals Chant, it goes like this "Who Dey, Who Dey, Who Dey Think Gone Beat Dem Bengals". Judging from the grammatical accuracy of this little ditty, I'd say it gathered steam during their, how should I say, well fuck it, back when every guy on the team got arrested.

Upon further review, it became very apparent to me that this may be the most idiotic chant in the history of all major sports. For example, at 1pm on Sunday afternoon, I personally thought the Ravens would "Beat Dem Bengals". I'm sure there are about a million Steelers fans who think that Dey Gone Beat Dem Bengals on Sunday. Who the fuck are Bengals fans to shoot down our thoughts? We live in a free country, and until the liberals get their way of course, we are all entitled to our own opinions.

I mean after all does it really matter that an opposing team 'thinks' they Gone Beat Dem Bengals? We all know the games aren't played in the players' minds, but rather on Sundays inside television sets in sports bars.
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Boomer ... Please ... Enough ... Already

2009-11-10T23:50:00.002-05:00

As a young person, you get a lot of older people hating, claiming you’re “entitled”. I’ll be the first to agree, and say that half my generation deserves a swift kick in the junk for that very reason. But that’s a column for another day. I promise a serious tangent on that one. I’d like to take this time, however, to highlight that there are plenty of older people who fall into that same category. Granted their entitlement comes from a completely different place, but it’s there. Who doesn’t have that guy at work that gets away with whatever the hell he wants, JUST because he started with the company when they were using typewriters? You know who I’m talking about. The guy who drinks in the office like he’s on ‘Mad Men’, but looks more like Peter Griffin than Don Draper. Yeah, buddy! I’d like to dedicate this column to one of the poster-children of this entitled group: Chris Berman.

Chris Berman you say? How do you know he falls into this category? You don’t work at ESPN. I would say you’re right, I don’t. But I watch ESPN, and his entitlement oozes out of the TV. On air he consistently reiterates that he is a horrendous television personality, and in fact should not be on air … but they don’t take him off. But come on, he’s earned that right to ruin Monday Night Football, right? I disagree. I think this type of entitlement is the worst there is. I’ve never met a soul who enjoys his commentary, yet there he is at every high profile event that ESPN covers.

Point blank: his loudness is extremely annoying. I would actually rather listen to the Aflac duck do a highlight than Berman. He used to have this amazing ability to come up with hilariously funny nicknames for athletes. I mean, it was something else … something amazing. There was Ben “Winter” Coates, and “Well-Dressed” Amani Toomer, and …. shit, I think that was all of the good ones. Hasn’t stopped Berman though. He just keeps pumping them out, even though no one is laughing. His nicknames are reaching Flavor-Flav, “Flavor of Love” status. “You’re from New York, aight, Imma call you ‘New York’.” But Berman can’t be stopped. He’s the guy who came up with Ben “Winter” Coates, remember. Nicknames are his thing, and he is entitled to be the nickname guy, regardless of how funny ANYONE else at the network may be.

It bothers me that Berman is filling the seat of a potential talent that people might actually enjoy, solely because he’s been there since ESPN's infancy. (I think you could argue his seat could actually fit two or three potential talents, but that’s beside the point, ha) He’s like a professor with tenure that just mailed it in. He doesn’t give a damn about his students, but goddamnit he was published in the 1974 New England Medical Journal’s February edition! And completely off topic, the man is doing Applebee’s commercials now. I had already refused to eat there since they introduced a $10 steak, but I just DOUBLE-refused to eat there. And my boy Drake Savage pointed out that Berman is also doing Nutri-System ads. Applebee's and Nutri-System? Talk about a conflict of interest. That’s like the Joe Camel doing Nicorette commercials.

As you can tell, I don’t like this man. If you had a chance to see the outtakes from Monday Night Football that were leaked to the internets where Berman WENT OFF and cursed out some staffers (before Disney stepped in and had them obliterated from existence), you know what an ass Berman is. But what you might not have seen was a few minute exchange with a female staffer where Berman inquires about the bottle of wine he sent her for the holidays. Truly skeezy. Berman rubs his belly, as he asks, “Did you think of me while you we’re drinking it?” Which brings me to another point, that’s sexual harassment. I’d characterize Berman as the Barry Bonds of sexual harassment at ESPN. He’s probably the biggest offender, and everyone in the entire world knows he’s doing it, but he never gets busted for it. Steve Phillips and Harold Reynolds though, they get caught. They are the Rafael Palmeiro and Miguel Tejada in this metaphor. I wouldn’t be surprised if Berman was behind the whole peeping on Erin Andrews scandal. You can just tell the guy’s a perv.

In summation though, Berman isn’t the only one out there. There are plenty of people whose early successes, or history have kept them in positions they don’t deserve. Larry King, Joe Paterno, Dane Cook, etc. This entitlement has to end. I truly believe that no matter what the role, it should always be given to the best candidate. You stymie talent otherwise. If ESPN would give a new talent the chance to fill-in for Chris Berman just once, they might realize, as Berman himself would say, “He. Could. Go. All. The. Way.”

Who Am I? Why Am I Here?

2009-11-07T23:50:00.003-05:00

Hello my friends! I'm sitting here getting my SNL on trying to think of a witty display name for this one-of-kind (cough, bullshit) blog for everyone on the interweb to see. My friends Pat and Rob (aka Drake Savage and RG$, respectively) decided it was time for the world to hear our thoughts, so Offensive Coordination was born. I think the idea is to have a platform to make fun of anyone with any type of authority, with a slight slant towards sports.

Given that, I suppose I could jack a joke from someone like 'The Sports Guy' and go with a display name like Art Shell, but that lacks originality. I could go with something contemporary, like Brett Favre, but that would be so Peter King. I need to find inspiration by channeling the thoughts of some all-time atrocious decision-makers. Isiah Thomas? Too obvious. Al Davis? Too scary.

No, no - I need a name that will transcend both sports and pop culture. I need someone who "can't stop, won't stop" making horrific moves. I need a name that has the opportunity to change as frequently as the person's taste in vodka. I need to be associated with someone who has ruined more talent than Dr. James Andrews and caused at least one wrongful imprisonment. There's only one name that is fit for me on this blog: Diddy.

Until he changes it again.