So I hate to say I told you so - actually that's completely untrue. I LOVE being right. Check out what my boy Dan LeFevour did in last night's GMAC Bowl. If you've been reading this blog, you know I basically have a man-crush on #13, and with good reason. The guy is a straight balla. I'll be doing my best impression of him this weekend playing beach football in Puerto Rico, but you can check out the talent right here for yourself. Enjoy!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Count How Many Times I Say Exclusive
I just read an “exclusive” interview with Mariah Carey in Time Out: New York magazine (said so on the cover). You’re jealous. I first want to state that I typically love Time Out: New York (TO:NY). It’s a great place to find everything hip in NYC. They always know about the best music no one likes, the best films that are playing at only one theater with actors you’ve never heard of, and the best places to buy skinny jeans. More or less TO:NY is my Koran. Which makes sense, because I’m Catholic. But seriously, I do like that magazine. The point here isn’t really about one specific magazine, it’s about these “exclusive” interviews.
What makes an interview an “exclusive” interview? I would say the only way an interview could truly be exclusive is if the person has never talked to anyone before, and signed a contract stating they would never speak to anyone ever again afterwards. Either that, or they agreed to have their vocal cords ripped out by a Turbo Snake immediately following the interview. And as unbelievable as it may sound, this wasn’t Mariah’s first interview. And that’s a google-fact. Hell, turns out she was even interviewed by the inappropriate Larry King himself, back in 2002. So I guess this means that interview with TO:NY wasn’t really exclusive … or was it?
Hmm, it just dawned on me that perhaps the reason the interview was deemed “exclusive” was because there were some never-before-asked, hard-hitting questions being thrown at Mariah! Yeah, that makes sense. Let me re-read it … Well, I learned that the rumor about Mariah really liking cheese isn’t true, she typically only eats it with wine. And guess what??? She based her accent in the movie Precious on some random lady from Yonkers. Oh shit, this is exclusive.
Okay, enough of the sarcasm. But it really bothers me when these media outlets rep interviews like this. Like the Today show’s exclusive interview with Jamie Jungers (you know, the chunky Tiger Woods’ mistress). Turns out Dateline interviewed her too. Well maybe the Today show didn’t know Jungers was gonna be on Dateline, so they really thought they were only interview. Oh wait, these two shows are on the same friggin network! So no shit, just like Tiger Woods to his wife, this was not an exclusive affair.
Man, just watch the news tonight, and count the "exclusives" they drop. But okay, the rant ends here. The point is kids, that when a media outlet hypes something as exclusive, pay it no mind -- unless it happens to be with a death row inmate who is sitting in the electric chair at the time. So please don’t let "that word" persuade you to buy that next US Weekly. Buy that US Weekly because you’re interested in Carie Underwood’s diet secrets. I’ve always been more of an inclusive guy anyways.
But one last thing. I assume one day I'll be pretty famous. I'm not talking Michael Jackson famous, but probably Matt LeBlanc famous. Regardless, people will no doubt want to interview me. But right here, right now, I am announcing an offer to Time magazine. I will grant them a truly exclusive interview. If they give me a cover story, they can interview me today, and I will promise to never do another interview as long as I live. I'll even sign something. However, my offer expires at the end of this month. So Time, if you want to have your biggest selling issue of all time ... you know what to do.
Oh, and if you count the title, that's 13.
What makes an interview an “exclusive” interview? I would say the only way an interview could truly be exclusive is if the person has never talked to anyone before, and signed a contract stating they would never speak to anyone ever again afterwards. Either that, or they agreed to have their vocal cords ripped out by a Turbo Snake immediately following the interview. And as unbelievable as it may sound, this wasn’t Mariah’s first interview. And that’s a google-fact. Hell, turns out she was even interviewed by the inappropriate Larry King himself, back in 2002. So I guess this means that interview with TO:NY wasn’t really exclusive … or was it?
Hmm, it just dawned on me that perhaps the reason the interview was deemed “exclusive” was because there were some never-before-asked, hard-hitting questions being thrown at Mariah! Yeah, that makes sense. Let me re-read it … Well, I learned that the rumor about Mariah really liking cheese isn’t true, she typically only eats it with wine. And guess what??? She based her accent in the movie Precious on some random lady from Yonkers. Oh shit, this is exclusive.
Okay, enough of the sarcasm. But it really bothers me when these media outlets rep interviews like this. Like the Today show’s exclusive interview with Jamie Jungers (you know, the chunky Tiger Woods’ mistress). Turns out Dateline interviewed her too. Well maybe the Today show didn’t know Jungers was gonna be on Dateline, so they really thought they were only interview. Oh wait, these two shows are on the same friggin network! So no shit, just like Tiger Woods to his wife, this was not an exclusive affair.
Man, just watch the news tonight, and count the "exclusives" they drop. But okay, the rant ends here. The point is kids, that when a media outlet hypes something as exclusive, pay it no mind -- unless it happens to be with a death row inmate who is sitting in the electric chair at the time. So please don’t let "that word" persuade you to buy that next US Weekly. Buy that US Weekly because you’re interested in Carie Underwood’s diet secrets. I’ve always been more of an inclusive guy anyways.
But one last thing. I assume one day I'll be pretty famous. I'm not talking Michael Jackson famous, but probably Matt LeBlanc famous. Regardless, people will no doubt want to interview me. But right here, right now, I am announcing an offer to Time magazine. I will grant them a truly exclusive interview. If they give me a cover story, they can interview me today, and I will promise to never do another interview as long as I live. I'll even sign something. However, my offer expires at the end of this month. So Time, if you want to have your biggest selling issue of all time ... you know what to do.
Oh, and if you count the title, that's 13.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Random Thoughts, Musings, and Observations for 2010
Hello everyone. How 'bout that flight in? Guess that's why they call it Sin City.
Obviously I spent my Christmas break catching up on movies, 'The Hangover' specifically. I've also spent the last two weeks doing a lot of thinking (and not much writing), so I wanted to share with you some thoughts that have accumulated in my brain over the past 14 days. It's really just a cleansing exercise for me as we move into a new year. Speaking of the New Year:
* Can we come to some agreement on what we're actually calling 2010? Is it twenty-ten or 2K ten or two-thousand and ten? This is driving me crazy.
* Seeing ads for the new season of American Idol is like being diagnosed with a 100% curable form of cancer. You know you're going to recover, but that the next six months are going to be excruciatingly painful.
* A question for all the people that go to Times Square for New Year's: Where do you pee?
* I don't know who this Lady Gaga is, but I like her style.
* Is anyone's New Year's resolution to gain weight?
* Watching Jake from The Bachelor stumble clumsily around trying to pick fifteen girls to give a rose to is the exact opposite of watching the guys from Jersey Shore dominate the females of Seaside Heights. Is there any doubt "The Situation" should be the next bachelor?
* And on that note, why in the world would you not pick the hottest fifteen girls on the first night? I know, personality is most important, but let's be honest: no one is going to marry an ugly chick (unless you are ugly yourself). Trim the fat (literally) and then choose Miss Congeniality out of the 9's and 10's you have left. It's science.
* The Washington Times has dropped the sports section in their newspaper. I actually didn't know there were any other sections of a newspaper besides sports - thought the excess was wrapping paper concealing the gift of the sports page.
* I totally know where Gilbert Arenas is coming from.
* Enough with the podcasts, Bill Simmons. I have a full-time job and manage to post at least one, maybe two, blogs a week. You watch sports for a living and aren't even writing a book anymore (which I bought, thanks to your ten daily tweets about it). Show some effort.
* How come when I'm in the theater, every preview looks awesome, but when I look for movies On Demand at home, I can't find one I want to watch?
* I've never actually seen the show, but how can anybody watch 'Glee'? In case you didn't know, glee is a synonym for happy. So basically people are watching a show called 'Happy.' Would you watch a TV program called 'Funny'?
Well, that's about the extent of it. Thanks for allowing me to mentally regurgitate and feel free to add your comments or thoughts.
Obviously I spent my Christmas break catching up on movies, 'The Hangover' specifically. I've also spent the last two weeks doing a lot of thinking (and not much writing), so I wanted to share with you some thoughts that have accumulated in my brain over the past 14 days. It's really just a cleansing exercise for me as we move into a new year. Speaking of the New Year:
* Can we come to some agreement on what we're actually calling 2010? Is it twenty-ten or 2K ten or two-thousand and ten? This is driving me crazy.
* Seeing ads for the new season of American Idol is like being diagnosed with a 100% curable form of cancer. You know you're going to recover, but that the next six months are going to be excruciatingly painful.
* A question for all the people that go to Times Square for New Year's: Where do you pee?
* I don't know who this Lady Gaga is, but I like her style.
* Is anyone's New Year's resolution to gain weight?
* Watching Jake from The Bachelor stumble clumsily around trying to pick fifteen girls to give a rose to is the exact opposite of watching the guys from Jersey Shore dominate the females of Seaside Heights. Is there any doubt "The Situation" should be the next bachelor?
* And on that note, why in the world would you not pick the hottest fifteen girls on the first night? I know, personality is most important, but let's be honest: no one is going to marry an ugly chick (unless you are ugly yourself). Trim the fat (literally) and then choose Miss Congeniality out of the 9's and 10's you have left. It's science.
* The Washington Times has dropped the sports section in their newspaper. I actually didn't know there were any other sections of a newspaper besides sports - thought the excess was wrapping paper concealing the gift of the sports page.
* I totally know where Gilbert Arenas is coming from.
* Enough with the podcasts, Bill Simmons. I have a full-time job and manage to post at least one, maybe two, blogs a week. You watch sports for a living and aren't even writing a book anymore (which I bought, thanks to your ten daily tweets about it). Show some effort.
* How come when I'm in the theater, every preview looks awesome, but when I look for movies On Demand at home, I can't find one I want to watch?
* I've never actually seen the show, but how can anybody watch 'Glee'? In case you didn't know, glee is a synonym for happy. So basically people are watching a show called 'Happy.' Would you watch a TV program called 'Funny'?
Well, that's about the extent of it. Thanks for allowing me to mentally regurgitate and feel free to add your comments or thoughts.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
12 to 18 inches
No, this isn't a post about the size of my penis. That's actually the forecast for today's snow fall in my town. Now if you live in upstate New York, Maine, or Siberia, that type of accumulation is nothing more than a drop in the bucket. Here in the mid-Atlantic, it's a state of emergency. I'm not trying to downplay the power of Mother Nature - we've seen her effects in places like New Orleans and Indonesia. But we've become so accustomed to meteorologists overreacting as a "potential" storm approaches, many of us have become jaded and disregard their "professional"advice of staying off the roads or getting out of town. Likewise, other folks hang on to every word their local weatherman says like it's gospel.
So what's missing in this weatherperson-government-citizen equation? Rules. Take it from someone who has totaled a car trying to drive in a torrential rainstorm, weather is not to be taken lightly. At the same time, there's no need to stock up on groceries like we're headed into a nuclear war. Hungry-Man makes a delicious assortment of all-in-one meals that will easily get you through the weekend. And I understand not everyone works a Mon-Fri, 9 to 5, but if you do have to be on the roads in a storm like this, maybe slow down a bit so you don't cause an accident making it worse on everyone else.
Additionally, if you don't have to be on the roads, then stay off them. Let the experts get them salted and plowed before you make that all important trip to McDonald's. And if you're told to evacuate, then by God, evacuate! If you happen to be one of those good samaritans who plans on shoveling his (or hers) entire town's snow, maybe wait until all of the snow has fallen. There's absolutely no need to hear your neighbor at 7 am grunting and scraping his shovel on the ground. Take a nap, pal.
Finally, when a rain or snow storm comes through, enjoy it. Huh? In this day and age of being constantly connected and always on the go, times like today give you the chance to sleep in, cook a BIG breakfast, play some board games, and catch up on the DVR. If you happen to be one of the idiots who hasn't finished their Christmas shopping yet, tough luck. I just found this great site called Amazon.com that pretty much allows you to buy anything you could possibly want or need.
Now if you'll excuse me I need to speed over to Shoprite to pick up some groceries. I hope those stupid plows don't get in my way.
Postscript: In a stunning development, the weather folks actually nailed this one. In fact, they may have underestimated the snowfall amount. We ended up with 24+ inches in my town, which is coincidentally the same amount of water I will have in my basement once this all melts. In April.
A couple of notes from the aftermath - DO make sure you have plenty of salt on hand to melt the ice. DON'T leave it on the back porch the night before you get two feet of snow. DO try to knock down icicles from your roof before they fall down and hit you in the head. DON'T try throwing a shovel javelin-style towards the second story to do this (unless you want said shovel to end up on your roof).
Finally, DON'T drive around just because you have all-wheel or four-wheel drive, but DO laugh at people who get stuck in a drift driving a coupe.
So what's missing in this weatherperson-government-citizen equation? Rules. Take it from someone who has totaled a car trying to drive in a torrential rainstorm, weather is not to be taken lightly. At the same time, there's no need to stock up on groceries like we're headed into a nuclear war. Hungry-Man makes a delicious assortment of all-in-one meals that will easily get you through the weekend. And I understand not everyone works a Mon-Fri, 9 to 5, but if you do have to be on the roads in a storm like this, maybe slow down a bit so you don't cause an accident making it worse on everyone else.
Additionally, if you don't have to be on the roads, then stay off them. Let the experts get them salted and plowed before you make that all important trip to McDonald's. And if you're told to evacuate, then by God, evacuate! If you happen to be one of those good samaritans who plans on shoveling his (or hers) entire town's snow, maybe wait until all of the snow has fallen. There's absolutely no need to hear your neighbor at 7 am grunting and scraping his shovel on the ground. Take a nap, pal.
Finally, when a rain or snow storm comes through, enjoy it. Huh? In this day and age of being constantly connected and always on the go, times like today give you the chance to sleep in, cook a BIG breakfast, play some board games, and catch up on the DVR. If you happen to be one of the idiots who hasn't finished their Christmas shopping yet, tough luck. I just found this great site called Amazon.com that pretty much allows you to buy anything you could possibly want or need.
Now if you'll excuse me I need to speed over to Shoprite to pick up some groceries. I hope those stupid plows don't get in my way.
Postscript: In a stunning development, the weather folks actually nailed this one. In fact, they may have underestimated the snowfall amount. We ended up with 24+ inches in my town, which is coincidentally the same amount of water I will have in my basement once this all melts. In April.
A couple of notes from the aftermath - DO make sure you have plenty of salt on hand to melt the ice. DON'T leave it on the back porch the night before you get two feet of snow. DO try to knock down icicles from your roof before they fall down and hit you in the head. DON'T try throwing a shovel javelin-style towards the second story to do this (unless you want said shovel to end up on your roof).
Finally, DON'T drive around just because you have all-wheel or four-wheel drive, but DO laugh at people who get stuck in a drift driving a coupe.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Dude He's on my Fantasy Team
Fantasy Football is ruining the NFL. There I said it. Wait I take that back, fantasy football is ruining men’s ability to actually watch and enjoy football. Every Tom, Dick, and Harry now spends their Sunday’s rooting for Peyton Manning to throw touchdowns to Pierre Garcon, but not to Reggie Wayne, all so “No Punt Intended” can take out “Urine Trouble” in Week One of their office Fantasy League.
Half the time, there isn’t even money on the line in these leagues but rather it’s all for bragging rights. Seriously, if I was gonna spend the entire NFL season trying to gain bragging rights over my friends and co-workers, I’d save myself 17 weeks and drop my pants in front of them tomorrow.
The part that really annoys the hell out of me regarding fantasy football is that it brings guys who are diehard fans of one team, or at least used to be, to actually root against their team if someone on their fantasy team is playing against their hometown squad. And don’t try to tell me you won’t take a Cowboys player if you are an Eagles fan, or won’t draft Hines Ward cause you love the Ravens. If you are a huge fantasy dork, you don’t care about your preferred NFL team.
My recommendations for enjoying the NFL without Fantasy Football? Either find a team that you love, watch each one of their games intently, bitch about how crappy the play calling is, how terrible their D-Backs are, and how there’s no chance they make the playoffs this season. If that’s not enough for you, open an online betting account and start wagering the rent on the Saints -7 this week.
There is one good thing that Fantasy Football has given us, The League.
Half the time, there isn’t even money on the line in these leagues but rather it’s all for bragging rights. Seriously, if I was gonna spend the entire NFL season trying to gain bragging rights over my friends and co-workers, I’d save myself 17 weeks and drop my pants in front of them tomorrow.
The part that really annoys the hell out of me regarding fantasy football is that it brings guys who are diehard fans of one team, or at least used to be, to actually root against their team if someone on their fantasy team is playing against their hometown squad. And don’t try to tell me you won’t take a Cowboys player if you are an Eagles fan, or won’t draft Hines Ward cause you love the Ravens. If you are a huge fantasy dork, you don’t care about your preferred NFL team.
My recommendations for enjoying the NFL without Fantasy Football? Either find a team that you love, watch each one of their games intently, bitch about how crappy the play calling is, how terrible their D-Backs are, and how there’s no chance they make the playoffs this season. If that’s not enough for you, open an online betting account and start wagering the rent on the Saints -7 this week.
There is one good thing that Fantasy Football has given us, The League.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I'd Like to Take a Moment to Say, You Done Good
I’m all about getting recognition. Uh, giving ... yeah, I mean, I'm all about giving recognition. In fact, I think it’s vital; especially in the workplace. I believe nothing motivates more than true and honest acknowledgement of a job well done. You know what I mean? Like when your boss comes up with the idea to give out an AMAZING employee of the month award where the winner gets a sculpture of an oversized pickle, but they only get to keep it on their desk for that month, and then next month it goes to the new winner, so everyone is just busting their ass to win that pickle, and if you want to keep that pickle on your desk you better step it up even higher, because anyone who walks by and sees that pickle knows “You da man!” Yeah, not that type of recognition. I’m talking about something far less kindergarten and much simpler.
I’m talking about your boss sincerely verbally recognizing something you’ve done in front of others (and perhaps giving you a gift certificate to Hooters as a mere token). You’d be surprised how far that goes. I don’t write that because I’ve never been recognized, I actually write that because I don’t recognize others enough. Note to self – recognize more. See, recognizing I need to recognize is half the battle.
But similar to crystal meth, the more and more recognition that you’re given, the less you feel it. And undeserved recognition ... don’t even get me started. My freshman year I played high school football, and if I recall correctly our record was 2 wins and 8 losses. We got trophies though. Seriously the entire team got trophies! I forget what the inscription read, but if it didn’t read “1997’s Biggest Pussies”, then we didn’t deserve them. Which is why recognition is so tough. You wanna give it, but if everyone is getting it, it doesn’t mean a damn thing.
So two things to think about as a manager is how much and how often. To reiterate these I will use scenarios that you can feel free to share with your management team –
SCENARIO 1 - Roger tells you he has just got the phone number of Becky. He is so excited. You proceed to tell him that your friends had previously nicknamed Becky “the town bicycle”. He’s now less excited.
THE POINT - If it is given to everyone, it’s not the right type of recognition.
SCENARIO 2 - Bill meets a girl who gives him "happy pants" every night. Bill loves it! But after about a month something weird happens, and I guess you could say it's taking longer to make Bill's pants happy. In fact, one day Bill actually falls asleep in the middle of happy pants.
THE POINT - If it is given too much, it's not the right amount of recognition.
(please note I am not suggesting anyone cut down on happy pants)
Hopefully you’ve learned something here. These are all things to think about as we head into the time when recognition is most important, and we cannot forget about our people – the year is winding down, you’re being asked to write evaluations, holding meetings about performance – of course I’m talking about …… awards show season!!!! Oscars, Globes, People’s Choice, Grammys, Screen Actors Guild. Let’s not forget it’s the rich and famous that truly need recognizing the most.
On the real though, recognize, but do it right.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
What Sucks About Christmas
Today's post was inspired from a dear friend of mine who reminded me today what a wonderful time of year it is. Unfortunately, it also made me think of all the things that suck about Christmas. Believe me, I'm not your usual holiday-hater. I actually like Christmas songs. Decorating the tree is a joy. I don't find the Salvation Army bell ringer annoying. And baking cookies (or watching my fiance bake cookies) increases both my weight and happiness. But make no mistake, there are some things that occur this time of year that are about as enjoyable as Kathy Bates sitting on my face.
People who bring holiday treats into the office: I literally just polished off a whole cannoli as I wrote that. Why? Because some idiot decided it would be a nice 'gesture' to bring it in. Well here's a gesture right back at you. You're not doing anybody any favors by bringing this stuff in. Same story every year - the office fatty paces back and forth by these snacks, sweating and drooling over it, waiting for someone to make the first move. The females in the office pick and peck at it like little birds to the point that you aren't really sure if they're brownies or a hot steamer the janitor left behind (pissed from cleaning up all the crumbs each night). The worst is when someone brings in some awful candy or half a fruitcake left over from a party you weren't invited to. Good lord, at least have the decency to bring a whole, untouched item and not left over scraps your dog wouldn't even eat.
Not having Christmas or New Year's Day off: And Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve, to boot. In full disclosure, I actually do have off on Christmas and New Year's Day, but it won't stop me from fighting the good fight for all the folks who do not. Let's face it, between all the food, booze, parties, and presents going on this time of year, work efficiency isn't anywhere near peak. Folks are trying to see family and friends, pick up or drop off last minute gifts, and get to church for one of their two visits each year - we don't need work interfering with all of this. Have you ever stopped by a store on Christmas Day? I almost pulled an Angelina Jolie and adopted the kid working the register at CVS last year. It's so depressing. Let's just make it a rule that everything in America (besides hospitals and strip clubs) are closed on December 24th and 25th, as well as Dec. 31st and Jan. 1st. While we're at it, let's throw in the day after the Super Bowl and the first two days of March Madness. Done and Done.
'Christmas Vacation' on TBS: Initial reaction when you see Christmas Vacation come on your TV set - "Yes! I love this movie!! I can't believe Chevy Chase used to be funny!!!" Secondary reaction once you realize it's being shown on TBS - "Weak, no curse words. This is gonna suck." Can we just make a pact with the FCC that when classic movies like this are shown on cable TV, they'll be aired un-edited? I feel like kids are missing out on important lessons about family, like this one:
Not being able to say Merry Christmas anymore: I know what you're going to say. "Diddy, I thought the Offensive Coordination blog wasn't supposed to be PC?" Well, we're not. But we're also realist. If a Jewish person came up to me and wished me a Happy Hanukkah, I honestly don't know how I would even respond. So I get it. But the real shit of it all is that it's left me so confused on what is appropriate to say, I actually wished someone a "Happy New Year" last Friday. It was December 11th.
People who complain about Christmas: Oh, wait...
People who bring holiday treats into the office: I literally just polished off a whole cannoli as I wrote that. Why? Because some idiot decided it would be a nice 'gesture' to bring it in. Well here's a gesture right back at you. You're not doing anybody any favors by bringing this stuff in. Same story every year - the office fatty paces back and forth by these snacks, sweating and drooling over it, waiting for someone to make the first move. The females in the office pick and peck at it like little birds to the point that you aren't really sure if they're brownies or a hot steamer the janitor left behind (pissed from cleaning up all the crumbs each night). The worst is when someone brings in some awful candy or half a fruitcake left over from a party you weren't invited to. Good lord, at least have the decency to bring a whole, untouched item and not left over scraps your dog wouldn't even eat.
Not having Christmas or New Year's Day off: And Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve, to boot. In full disclosure, I actually do have off on Christmas and New Year's Day, but it won't stop me from fighting the good fight for all the folks who do not. Let's face it, between all the food, booze, parties, and presents going on this time of year, work efficiency isn't anywhere near peak. Folks are trying to see family and friends, pick up or drop off last minute gifts, and get to church for one of their two visits each year - we don't need work interfering with all of this. Have you ever stopped by a store on Christmas Day? I almost pulled an Angelina Jolie and adopted the kid working the register at CVS last year. It's so depressing. Let's just make it a rule that everything in America (besides hospitals and strip clubs) are closed on December 24th and 25th, as well as Dec. 31st and Jan. 1st. While we're at it, let's throw in the day after the Super Bowl and the first two days of March Madness. Done and Done.
'Christmas Vacation' on TBS: Initial reaction when you see Christmas Vacation come on your TV set - "Yes! I love this movie!! I can't believe Chevy Chase used to be funny!!!" Secondary reaction once you realize it's being shown on TBS - "Weak, no curse words. This is gonna suck." Can we just make a pact with the FCC that when classic movies like this are shown on cable TV, they'll be aired un-edited? I feel like kids are missing out on important lessons about family, like this one:
Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's
walking out on this
fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all
in this together. This is
a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here.
We're gonna press on, and we're
gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas
since Bing Crosby tap-danced with
Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa
squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney
tonight, he's gonna find the
jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the
nuthouse.
walking out on this
fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all
in this together. This is
a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here.
We're gonna press on, and we're
gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas
since Bing Crosby tap-danced with
Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa
squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney
tonight, he's gonna find the
jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the
nuthouse.
Not being able to say Merry Christmas anymore: I know what you're going to say. "Diddy, I thought the Offensive Coordination blog wasn't supposed to be PC?" Well, we're not. But we're also realist. If a Jewish person came up to me and wished me a Happy Hanukkah, I honestly don't know how I would even respond. So I get it. But the real shit of it all is that it's left me so confused on what is appropriate to say, I actually wished someone a "Happy New Year" last Friday. It was December 11th.
People who complain about Christmas: Oh, wait...
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