I just read an “exclusive” interview with Mariah Carey in Time Out: New York magazine (said so on the cover). You’re jealous. I first want to state that I typically love Time Out: New York (TO:NY). It’s a great place to find everything hip in NYC. They always know about the best music no one likes, the best films that are playing at only one theater with actors you’ve never heard of, and the best places to buy skinny jeans. More or less TO:NY is my Koran. Which makes sense, because I’m Catholic. But seriously, I do like that magazine. The point here isn’t really about one specific magazine, it’s about these “exclusive” interviews.
What makes an interview an “exclusive” interview? I would say the only way an interview could truly be exclusive is if the person has never talked to anyone before, and signed a contract stating they would never speak to anyone ever again afterwards. Either that, or they agreed to have their vocal cords ripped out by a Turbo Snake immediately following the interview. And as unbelievable as it may sound, this wasn’t Mariah’s first interview. And that’s a google-fact. Hell, turns out she was even interviewed by the inappropriate Larry King himself, back in 2002. So I guess this means that interview with TO:NY wasn’t really exclusive … or was it?
Hmm, it just dawned on me that perhaps the reason the interview was deemed “exclusive” was because there were some never-before-asked, hard-hitting questions being thrown at Mariah! Yeah, that makes sense. Let me re-read it … Well, I learned that the rumor about Mariah really liking cheese isn’t true, she typically only eats it with wine. And guess what??? She based her accent in the movie Precious on some random lady from Yonkers. Oh shit, this is exclusive.
Okay, enough of the sarcasm. But it really bothers me when these media outlets rep interviews like this. Like the Today show’s exclusive interview with Jamie Jungers (you know, the chunky Tiger Woods’ mistress). Turns out Dateline interviewed her too. Well maybe the Today show didn’t know Jungers was gonna be on Dateline, so they really thought they were only interview. Oh wait, these two shows are on the same friggin network! So no shit, just like Tiger Woods to his wife, this was not an exclusive affair.
Man, just watch the news tonight, and count the "exclusives" they drop. But okay, the rant ends here. The point is kids, that when a media outlet hypes something as exclusive, pay it no mind -- unless it happens to be with a death row inmate who is sitting in the electric chair at the time. So please don’t let "that word" persuade you to buy that next US Weekly. Buy that US Weekly because you’re interested in Carie Underwood’s diet secrets. I’ve always been more of an inclusive guy anyways.
But one last thing. I assume one day I'll be pretty famous. I'm not talking Michael Jackson famous, but probably Matt LeBlanc famous. Regardless, people will no doubt want to interview me. But right here, right now, I am announcing an offer to Time magazine. I will grant them a truly exclusive interview. If they give me a cover story, they can interview me today, and I will promise to never do another interview as long as I live. I'll even sign something. However, my offer expires at the end of this month. So Time, if you want to have your biggest selling issue of all time ... you know what to do.
Oh, and if you count the title, that's 13.
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