12 to 18 inches

No, this isn't a post about the size of my penis. That's actually the forecast for today's snow fall in my town. Now if you live in upstate New York, Maine, or Siberia, that type of accumulation is nothing more than a drop in the bucket. Here in the mid-Atlantic, it's a state of emergency. I'm not trying to downplay the power of Mother Nature - we've seen her effects in places like New Orleans and Indonesia. But we've become so accustomed to meteorologists overreacting as a "potential" storm approaches, many of us have become jaded and disregard their "professional"advice of staying off the roads or getting out of town. Likewise, other folks hang on to every word their local weatherman says like it's gospel.

So what's missing in this weatherperson-government-citizen equation? Rules. Take it from someone who has totaled a car trying to drive in a torrential rainstorm, weather is not to be taken lightly. At the same time, there's no need to stock up on groceries like we're headed into a nuclear war. Hungry-Man makes a delicious assortment of all-in-one meals that will easily get you through the weekend. And I understand not everyone works a Mon-Fri, 9 to 5, but if you do have to be on the roads in a storm like this, maybe slow down a bit so you don't cause an accident making it worse on everyone else.

Additionally, if you don't have to be on the roads, then stay off them. Let the experts get them salted and plowed before you make that all important trip to McDonald's. And if you're told to evacuate, then by God, evacuate! If you happen to be one of those good samaritans who plans on shoveling his (or hers) entire town's snow, maybe wait until all of the snow has fallen. There's absolutely no need to hear your neighbor at 7 am grunting and scraping his shovel on the ground. Take a nap, pal.

Finally, when a rain or snow storm comes through, enjoy it. Huh? In this day and age of being constantly connected and always on the go, times like today give you the chance to sleep in, cook a BIG breakfast, play some board games, and catch up on the DVR. If you happen to be one of the idiots who hasn't finished their Christmas shopping yet, tough luck. I just found this great site called Amazon.com that pretty much allows you to buy anything you could possibly want or need.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to speed over to Shoprite to pick up some groceries. I hope those stupid plows don't get in my way.

Postscript: In a stunning development, the weather folks actually nailed this one. In fact, they may have underestimated the snowfall amount. We ended up with 24+ inches in my town, which is coincidentally the same amount of water I will have in my basement once this all melts. In April.

A couple of notes from the aftermath - DO make sure you have plenty of salt on hand to melt the ice. DON'T leave it on the back porch the night before you get two feet of snow. DO try to knock down icicles from your roof before they fall down and hit you in the head. DON'T try throwing a shovel javelin-style towards the second story to do this (unless you want said shovel to end up on your roof).

Finally, DON'T drive around just because you have all-wheel or four-wheel drive, but DO laugh at people who get stuck in a drift driving a coupe.

Dude He's on my Fantasy Team

Fantasy Football is ruining the NFL. There I said it. Wait I take that back, fantasy football is ruining men’s ability to actually watch and enjoy football. Every Tom, Dick, and Harry now spends their Sunday’s rooting for Peyton Manning to throw touchdowns to Pierre Garcon, but not to Reggie Wayne, all so “No Punt Intended” can take out “Urine Trouble” in Week One of their office Fantasy League.

Half the time, there isn’t even money on the line in these leagues but rather it’s all for bragging rights. Seriously, if I was gonna spend the entire NFL season trying to gain bragging rights over my friends and co-workers, I’d save myself 17 weeks and drop my pants in front of them tomorrow.

The part that really annoys the hell out of me regarding fantasy football is that it brings guys who are diehard fans of one team, or at least used to be, to actually root against their team if someone on their fantasy team is playing against their hometown squad. And don’t try to tell me you won’t take a Cowboys player if you are an Eagles fan, or won’t draft Hines Ward cause you love the Ravens. If you are a huge fantasy dork, you don’t care about your preferred NFL team.

My recommendations for enjoying the NFL without Fantasy Football? Either find a team that you love, watch each one of their games intently, bitch about how crappy the play calling is, how terrible their D-Backs are, and how there’s no chance they make the playoffs this season. If that’s not enough for you, open an online betting account and start wagering the rent on the Saints -7 this week.

There is one good thing that Fantasy Football has given us, The League.

I'd Like to Take a Moment to Say, You Done Good

I’m all about getting recognition.  Uh, giving ... yeah, I mean, I'm all about giving recognition.  In fact, I think it’s vital; especially in the workplace.  I believe nothing motivates more than true and honest acknowledgement of a job well done.  You know what I mean?  Like when your boss comes up with the idea to give out an AMAZING employee of the month award where the winner gets a sculpture of an oversized pickle, but they only get to keep it on their desk for that month, and then next month it goes to the new winner, so everyone is just busting their ass to win that pickle, and if you want to keep that pickle on your desk you better step it up even higher, because anyone who walks by and sees that pickle knows “You da man!” Yeah, not that type of recognition.  I’m talking about something far less kindergarten and much simpler.

I’m talking about your boss sincerely verbally recognizing something you’ve done in front of others (and perhaps giving you a gift certificate to Hooters as a mere token).  You’d be surprised how far that goes.  I don’t write that because I’ve never been recognized, I actually write that because I don’t recognize others enough.  Note to self – recognize more.  See, recognizing I need to recognize is half the battle.

But similar to crystal meth, the more and more recognition that you’re given, the less you feel it.  And undeserved recognition ... don’t even get me started.  My freshman year I played high school football, and if I recall correctly our record was 2 wins and 8 losses.  We got trophies though.  Seriously the entire team got trophies!  I forget what the inscription read, but if it didn’t read “1997’s Biggest Pussies”, then we didn’t deserve them.  Which is why recognition is so tough.  You wanna give it, but if everyone is getting it, it doesn’t mean a damn thing. 

So two things to think about as a manager is how much and how often.  To reiterate these I will use scenarios that you can feel free to share with your management team –

SCENARIO 1 - Roger tells you he has just got the phone number of Becky.  He is so excited.  You proceed to tell him that your friends had previously nicknamed Becky “the town bicycle”.  He’s now less excited.

THE POINT - If it is given to everyone, it’s not the right type of recognition.

SCENARIO 2 - Bill meets a girl who gives him "happy pants" every night.  Bill loves it!  But after about a month something weird happens, and I guess you could say it's taking longer to make Bill's pants happy.  In fact, one day Bill actually falls asleep in the middle of happy pants.

THE POINT - If it is given too much, it's not the right amount of recognition.

(please note I am not suggesting anyone cut down on happy pants)

Hopefully you’ve learned something here.  These are all things to think about as we head into the time when recognition is most important, and we cannot forget about our people – the year is winding down, you’re being asked to write evaluations, holding meetings about performance – of course I’m talking about …… awards show season!!!!  Oscars, Globes, People’s Choice, Grammys, Screen Actors Guild.  Let’s not forget it’s the rich and famous that truly need recognizing the most.

On the real though, recognize, but do it right.

What Sucks About Christmas

Today's post was inspired from a dear friend of mine who reminded me today what a wonderful time of year it is. Unfortunately, it also made me think of all the things that suck about Christmas. Believe me, I'm not your usual holiday-hater. I actually like Christmas songs. Decorating the tree is a joy. I don't find the Salvation Army bell ringer annoying. And baking cookies (or watching my fiance bake cookies) increases both my weight and happiness. But make no mistake, there are some things that occur this time of year that are about as enjoyable as Kathy Bates sitting on my face.

People who bring holiday treats into the office: I literally just polished off a whole cannoli as I wrote that. Why? Because some idiot decided it would be a nice 'gesture' to bring it in. Well here's a gesture right back at you. You're not doing anybody any favors by bringing this stuff in. Same story every year - the office fatty paces back and forth by these snacks, sweating and drooling over it, waiting for someone to make the first move. The females in the office pick and peck at it like little birds to the point that you aren't really sure if they're brownies or a hot steamer the janitor left behind (pissed from cleaning up all the crumbs each night). The worst is when someone brings in some awful candy or half a fruitcake left over from a party you weren't invited to. Good lord, at least have the decency to bring a whole, untouched item and not left over scraps your dog wouldn't even eat.

Not having Christmas or New Year's Day off: And Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve, to boot. In full disclosure, I actually do have off on Christmas and New Year's Day, but it won't stop me from fighting the good fight for all the folks who do not. Let's face it, between all the food, booze, parties, and presents going on this time of year, work efficiency isn't anywhere near peak. Folks are trying to see family and friends, pick up or drop off last minute gifts, and get to church for one of their two visits each year - we don't need work interfering with all of this. Have you ever stopped by a store on Christmas Day? I almost pulled an Angelina Jolie and adopted the kid working the register at CVS last year. It's so depressing. Let's just make it a rule that everything in America (besides hospitals and strip clubs) are closed on December 24th and 25th, as well as Dec. 31st and Jan. 1st. While we're at it, let's throw in the day after the Super Bowl and the first two days of March Madness. Done and Done.

'Christmas Vacation' on TBS: Initial reaction when you see Christmas Vacation come on your TV set - "Yes! I love this movie!! I can't believe Chevy Chase used to be funny!!!" Secondary reaction once you realize it's being shown on TBS - "Weak, no curse words. This is gonna suck." Can we just make a pact with the FCC that when classic movies like this are shown on cable TV, they'll be aired un-edited? I feel like kids are missing out on important lessons about family, like this one:

Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's
walking out on this
fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all
in this together. This is
a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here.
We're gonna press on, and we're
gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas
since Bing Crosby tap-danced with
Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa
squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney
tonight, he's gonna find the
jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the
nuthouse.

Not being able to say Merry Christmas anymore: I know what you're going to say. "Diddy, I thought the Offensive Coordination blog wasn't supposed to be PC?" Well, we're not. But we're also realist. If a Jewish person came up to me and wished me a Happy Hanukkah, I honestly don't know how I would even respond. So I get it. But the real shit of it all is that it's left me so confused on what is appropriate to say, I actually wished someone a "Happy New Year" last Friday. It was December 11th.

People who complain about Christmas: Oh, wait...

A Flash in the Pan

Not sure how many of you heard this story that went down a little over a week ago, but I don’t think it got enough press for how ridiculous it was. The link to the story can be found here. Basically, the Utah Flash, an NBA-D League team promoted a one on one basketball game between Byron Russell and his Airness, Michael Jordan. Flash owner, Brandt Anderson, started a huge viral marketing campaign around town promoting the fact that Michael Jordan would indeed be in the house for that evening’s game to take on Russell at halftime. As you would expect, the game quickly sold out, and as you would also expect Jordan never showed and never planned to show. I mean, Jordan "Big Leagued" Charlie Sheen in that Hanes Commercial, you really think he's going to Utah to take on Byron Russell?

Being in the minor league sports business, I can almost sympathize with Anderson for trying this stunt, almost. In today’s economy it’s tough to get fans out to your ballpark, arena, rink, whatever your venue may be especially to see a product as crappy as the NBA-D League. Does anyone even go to NBA games anymore unless someone named Lebron, Kobe, or Wade is on the floor?

The only positive I can see coming out of this story is that they get the free press from me blogging about it. I mean there are seven of you that follow Offensive Coordination, most of which probably never heard of the Utah Flash until now. However, in my professional opinion, national press doesn’t do much good for a minor league team. I don’t see myself catching a flight to Utah to check out a Flash game (Mormons frighten me) and I sure as hell wouldn’t be caught dead wearing this.

But let’s be real, think about the long term repercussions of telling a blatant lie to your fan base. Then again, I can only imagine just how big the fan base is for an NBA-DL squad is. It’s pretty clear that the fans of this Orem Utah team aren’t too quick anyway if they really thought one of the largest sports stars ever was going to show to their litte town to play an NBA has been one on one. But don’t worry, upset fans could use their tickets for any other remaining home game and just their luck there’s a big game coming up in January against the Reno Bighorns.

I Hope Your Party Sux

The first reviews for James Cameron’s new movie Avatar are coming out, and I won’t lie, they have me a little bit upset.  The reason?  Because they’re actually decent (as of this posting, Rotten Tomatoes had it with a 91% rating).  Go ahead and call me a jerk for hoping that this movie tanks.  To be honest I’m actually hoping Avatar is the Ryan Leaf of movies.  Now I’m sure you’re wondering why that is.  As a small child, was I touched by an avatar?  No, I wasn’t.

I’ll admit that much of it has to do with James Cameron’s ego.  Anyone who has the gall to wear a hat with the acronym "HMFIC" on it deserves to be taken down a peg.   I mean, I know Titanic was the biggest movie of all time (one of my proudest accomplishments is never having seen that movie, swear to God), but how much of Titanic’s success had to do with Cameron, versus how much had to do with girls fawning over Leo DiCaprio and teenage boys realizing they could see a topless Kate Winslet without their parents or a fake ID.  Give me Leo and a PG-13 boob scene, and I bet I could pull down $1 billion easy, just sayin.

But it’s not just Cameron’s ego that has me hoping Avatar eats shit.  A lot of it has to do with the hype too.  I have a hard time getting behind anything with so much hype, unless I’m the one hyping it.  Honestly though, for me, my problem with Avatar mostly comes down to the money.  There are reports that Avatar will be the most expensive movie ever made.  We’re in the middle of the worst recession since the great depression and Cameron is spending half a government bailout on a MOVIE.  I understand special effects are expensive, but wow.

And now for my typical ridiculous analogy.  I see Avatar as one of those birthday parties on MTV’s “My Super Sweet 16”.  The parents (the movie studio) spend a ridiculous amount of money on their brat of a kid’s (James Cameron’s) birthday party (the movie).  If you’ve seen the show then you know what I mean.  When you watch that show, you always hope for the party to be a huge failure and the kid to be crying in the end.  Why?  Because the kid is a jerk (and usually so are the parents).  And because no one 16 year old has ever done anything to deserve that type of party.

Now as usual, I understand that’s a stretch, but hopefully you see the main theme.  Only the future will show us how successful Avatar will be, but some of the early reviews say it will top Titanic.  Lord I hope not.  I’d ask that we not get caught up in the special effects.  If you look closely enough at the trailer, you can tell the movie has the same story as Dances With Wolves and The Last Samurai, just using weird looking blue people.  So more or less, if it weren’t for the $500 million they gave him, James Cameron would have just another rip-off.   Let’s ruin his Super Sweet 16 by not getting caught up in the crazy decorations, 20-foot cake, Ciara performance, and the BMW his parents have parked outside for him.  In fact, let’s just not even show up.

But then again, I understand it will be tough to ignore the invite (the hype), so if you’re going to go, please just do me one favor … be sure to be just as judgmental as James Cameron would be at your party.

Guilty Pleasures

If you've been reading this blog, than you know exactly what this is about. If not, scroll down to the November 16th post. It's worth it just for the Beyonce picture. And we're off...


26) Going out for lunch - I could have a filet covered in crabmeat in my lunchbox (yes, I have a lunchbox) and it wouldn't beat getting out of the office for an hour to enjoy a $12 salad or an appeteaser combo at Applebee's.


91) Wearing a scarf - Kinda gay, but it's fun to look like a J Crew model without wearing skintight khakis or spending $100 on a shirt.


107) Saved By the Bell: The College Years - A train wreck compared to the Bayside years (but definitely better than the Miss Bliss era), I can't take my eyes off it. Not sure which is less realistic: the gang spending an entire semester without drinking a single beer or Bob Golic 'acting' as a Resident Advisor? Either way, thank you TBS for making me late every day that you show one of these priceless episodes.



45) Mike and Mike -Speaking of Golics, did you know that Mike Golic is fat and Mike Greenberg is Jewish? LOL. Not really. This tired act has been on the air for a decade and continues to gain in popularity, even though neither has produced an actual opinion in probably five years. Regardless, at least they are talking sports and not Lindsey Lohan and more importantly, don't take calls from idiot listeners (easily the worst part of sports radio).


112) The Food Network - Not only are we the most obese country in the world, we actually have an entire channel devoted to eating. Ironically, there isn't a Health and Wellness channel (at least not on my dial). What other channel can you be simultaneously turned on and learn how to make a killer lasagna? I once saw Paula Deen make a fried egg sandwich using pancakes as the bread. Awesome.

Tygert Isn't A Saint (That's His Real Name, Look It Up)

I’ll try to make this quick … And absurd.  Here we go.  I’m about to compare Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, to the cause of the recession.  Now listen, I know what you’re thinking … but no, it has nothing to do with how annoying Ty Pennington is.  Although I’ll admit, that guy is so hyper he makes crackheads say, “Man, that dude’s a fuckin crackhead.”  It’s not to do with him though. It has to do with incentives and intentions.

I'll get to the Extreme Makeover connection in a moment, but you see, although plenty of people will argue, a major cause of the recession was poor incentives for mortgage brokers.

The Cliffs Notes are like this: mortgage brokers get paid by volume.  More mortgages, more money.  So they put people in houses they cant afford. Even if the house on the application has more bedrooms than the applicant has teeth (and even if it means tricking them into believing they can afford it).  And why?  Because is a mortgage broker’s incentive to do right by the homeowner?  Shit no!  It’s to sell more mortgages!

Well we know what happened from there: boatloads of unsafe mortgages were packaged into securities by the banks and given high ratings (because the rating agencies were being paid by the banks, another brilliant way to incentivize, HA!).  Then, every Tom, Dick, and Lehman was buying these securities like they were Crocs and it were 2007.  That is until everyone realized they were ugly as sin, (i.e., the homebuyers couldn’t make the payments), and the securities (much like Crocs) were worthless, and since everyone and their transgender half-brother was balls-deep in this stuff, BOOM, recession. (For a nice powerpoint you've probably seen to explain this concept check this out)

Well what does this have to do with Extreme Makeover: Home Edition?  The recession itself?  Not much.  The CAUSE of the recession?  A lot.  You see, you’ve heard the term “predatory lending”, right?  Well how about “predatory shit-hole house demolition and mansion building”?  Extreme Makeover does the same thing mortgage lenders did to start this whole mess: they put people in houses they can’t afford.  Now if you’re thinking, wait RG$, Extreme Makeover pays for the houses, that’s a good point.  Yes the house may be paid for, but guess what?  Ty Pennington doesn’t pay your electric bills (he uses all his money on hair gel).  And as you can see here, mansions aren’t cheap to keep up, especially when you take out home equity lines on them.

But why should Extreme Makeover care?  The reason they don’t?  Their incentive is like a mortgage brokers.  To make money.  And how do they make money?  By selling ads.  And how do they sell ads?  By making compelling TV.  And how do they make compelling TV?  By picking the poorest people possible, in the worst houses you can imagine, and then give them the most extravagant upgrade a willing reality show contestant could dream of.  But that is where the comparison ends.

Okay, that was a little exaggerated, most of the people on that show actually benefit from the “good deeds” that ABC “unselfishly” does for them.  But there are two points here:

1)  People (both mortgage brokers and television executives) will do what they are incentivized to do.

2) It is not the deed that determines the goodness; it's the intent.

Think about it kids.  God bless.

Buried Treasure

Today's post comes courtesy of Darren Rovell (CNBC's sports reporter) and his link to this New York Times article. Based on your following of this blog, it's safe to assume you are either a) as lazy as me or b) lazier than me, so allow me to summarize the article for you:

Jesus Leonardo, of Wanaque, NJ, is what's known as a "stooper." Stoopers are people who hang around off-track betting establishments picking up tickets thrown away by others. While most of these tickets are losing bets, a few actually turn out to be winners. So many turn out to be winners, in fact, that Mr. Leonardo practices stooping as a full-time job. He makes between $100-300 per day and over $45,000 per year.

OK, stop the presses. You're telling me I can make over $45,000 a year simply by digging things out of the trash? Where can I sign up? Seriously, this sounds like the best deal ever. And don't get all snooty and uppity about trolling through some trash. You're picking out bet slips, not maggots. It's like owning your own business plus gambling divided by the fact that you're not really risking anything. That's an equation for happiness, my friends.

This also got me thinking about what else I'd be willing to do to make $45K a year, without really working or having a boss. Everyone remembers the Seinfeld bottle deposit scam, but is that possible? Newman and Kramer thought they had it all figured out, but in the end it didn't work out (partly Jerry and Elaine's fault, but that's for another post). I had some friends once who delivered newspapers, but the hours were heinous (3am - 7am) and let's face it, newspapers will be completely obsolete in about three more years. I want something with more longevity than that. I'd suggest something involving strip clubs, but I'd end up either divorced or broke, so that's no good.

I need something I don't mind doing that other people would never think of or would never want to do, and most importantly, make money doing it. I'd throw out "listening to Rosie O'Donnell", but I don't think there's any money in that. Picking up dog feces? I can't figure out a business model that would work. Would people pay you monthly and then call you whenever their dog took a dump? The 1-800-GOT-JUNK people are on to something. Could I show up at people's houses and throw shit away for them? Maybe, but it would be tough to do as just one guy. I also might get arrested if I just showed up at someone's house and threw their couch away.

For now, I'm going to continue in my role as a sales executive. But I will continue to dream of my own "ticket in the trash" scheme...

An American in Cape Town

After last week’s World Cup draw, I made a commitment to myself and my country to follow the United States World Cup run this year. The best part is, we get the Brit’s in the first round. Since they are still reeling from that whipping we put on ‘em back in ’76, I think we got them right where we want them.

I’ll be the first to admit that I know absolutely nothing about soccer, something I share with approximately 83% of Americans. However, after a few quick glances at a couple soccer themed Wikipedia pages, I think I’m getting up to speed. Below are a several things I think the US can do in order improve their chances to bring home a trophy or medal or whatever you get for winning the World Cup, come Summer 2010 in South Africa and inturn make soccer relevant in the US.

1. Two word names: In order to be taken seriously in international soccer you need to have at least two players on your squad known only by a single name. Pele, Ronaldinho, and Ronaldo all kicked serious ass from what I’ve been told. That being said, Landon Donovan, you’re now Landovan. Tim Howard, lets go with Hondo.

2. Start using hands: It’s just like the international community to only want to do things half-assed. Us Americans know we do things at least at least 50% better than the rest of the world, that’s what G.W. Bush taught me anyway, so we’ll settle for only using one of our hands during the 2010 World Cup. I mean that bloke from France did it against Ireland this year and no one seemed to care.

3. Low Scoring Games: As American’s we like offense and points. Tom Brady and Peyton Manning aren’t American Icons because they let their place kickers score all the points, they put the ball in the end zone and put points on the board.

Since by my calculations, soccer is a pretty lame game, let’s cut the size of the field in half, double the size of the goals, and allow more contact. I know, sounds a lot like American Football but shut up. Scoring 7 or 8 goals a game will definitely spice things up. I mean look what that did for the NHL, ok bad example.

In all serious though I am excited about US Soccer and the World Cup this summer, so don’t let us down. Soccer has a serious chance to make some headway in America as a sport that we actually care about.

Oh How I Love Thee? Let Me Count The Carats

My roommates and I have been playing a new game.  Whenever a commercial begins with soft music, muted colors, and makes you want to throw up in your mouth, we all shout out a guess of which jewelry store it will be for.  It’s kinda like "Name That Tune" but way more stupid.  I do have to say however, that I’ve gotten pretty good.  I can call out a Zales commercial before the male character even attempts to show his love, and well before the female character shows she’s materialistic.

I don’t know what it is about jewelry commercials though (some would accuse me of being bitter and single), but as Peter Griffin would say, they really “grind my gears”.  I mean, I’m all for romance, and trust me, I’ve bought jewelry for a girl or two, or three, or … you can guess how that worked out for me.  But I feel like these commercials are damaging.  They are teaching the young women of our great nation that gold digging is standard.

Just a small sampling of the things we can take from jewelry commercials:

We learn here by spending between $200 and $2500 that we can “say I love you like never before.”  It’s obvious to me that the guy spending two hundy is saying I love you a little bit differently than the guy spending two Gs.  But it’s love either way, right?

This is a classic.  Here we learn that although the kids spent all day pampering Mom on Mother’s Day, Dad can make her forget all about the little bastards because he’s got a bank account with more than a hundred dollars in it.  You just got one-upped.  Suckas!

This one shows us it is important to point out to our small impressionable nieces that although people may tell us they like us, they don’t actually like us until they show us with a necklace.

But I digress …

I mean, we’ve known for a while that “Every kiss begins with Kay”.  I take that to signify that you can’t get any action without buying jewelry.  I’d have to say I disagree with that theory.  What if I told you I have evidence that you can actually get action by buying expensive meals too?  So take that Kay Jewelers!  Sometimes kisses begin with filets.

But listen, I get it.  When someone gives you something expensive, you assume it means a lot, especially if they had to work hard to afford it.  And I’m all for showing love that way if you have the means (like I said, I’ve gone down that road before).  But it shouldn’t be expected, and we shouldn’t be glorifying it on TV the way we do.  We should be teaching kids that love has absolutely nothing to do with money.  I’d say I’ve done things in the past for women I’ve loved that cost me absolutely nothing, and to them meant more than anything high-priced and shiny.

Lastly, and not to backtrack into ranting, but specifically because of their commercials, I will never buy ANYTHING from Jared Jewelers.  I’ve been this close to throwing a full glass of Knob Creek at my TV during one of their commercials.  Unfortunately I could not find video of my most-hated one (for those that have seen it, it’s the crossword one).  But, honestly I’ve never heard anyone in real life get excited because “He went to Jared!”, unless Jared happened to be the name of their drug dealer.

America is materialistic enough without these ads, let's stop it.

And this says it all.

Was MA$E retarded?

I guess you could say, "Is MA$E retarded?" but I prefer thinking of Mr. Betha in the past tense since he was such an integral part of my adolescence. Either way, this particular thought crosses my mind from time to time and since my pseudonym is Diddy, who better than me to analyze this sensitive topic?

Let's break retardation into three categories: Speech, Clothing, and Actions. For if you speak like a retard, dress like a retard, and act like a retard, well, you know the rest.

Speech - Listening to MA$E speak is kind of like listening to this kid after his dentist appointment. He has a very slow drawl which, if by itself, wouldn't be so bad. But combined with a total lack of coherency when actually using words, it offers up some of the worst rap lyrics in history. For instance:

Yo, you better do what I say yo
Get this through your head-o
Long time comin', but waitin for my date-o
My man Blake-O, leave the scene hardly awake-o

-- I Really Like It

Cats who don't make dough, I can't affiliate wit 'em

I'm dyin from a sickness known as Willie-ism

-- N***** Wanna Act

Obviously that is a small sample size, but if you are a fan of hip-hop at all, you should have some familiarity with albums like Harlem Word and Double Up. If you're a fan of hip-hop you also know that, although lyrics from these albums and other MA$E collabos are contrite and senseless, it's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the rap game. Check out the site Snacks and Shit for some comparatively bad lyrics. So even though I'd love to claim retardation on this charge, I think MA$E probably places in the fiftieth percentile when it comes to rapper IQs. Verdict: Not Retarded.

Clothing - What. The. Fuck.

Look, I get the fact that Puff can be persuasive and all, but if any of your friends came to you and said "Hey man, let's go to school tomorrow wearing the same exact red jumpsuits" you'd probably call poison control to make sure they hadn't accidentally ingested a mind altering substance. And this is coming from the guy who wore sweatpants to school through the 5th grade. Verdict: Mild Retardation.

Actions - I know there are all kinds of rumors of why MA$E left the rap game to pursue life as a minister. Beef with Puff, a higher calling, death threats from Cam'ron, etc. Now I wasn't going to question the man's motives when it comes to giving himself up to God, but then I saw this website. Verdict: Maybe smarter than we thought.

So even though I'd like to paint Mason Betha with the retard brush, he doesn't quite measure up. On a scale of Corky to Einstein, he probably falls somewhere between Maxine Waters and Ron Artest. And definitely above any cast member on MTV's new show, Jersey Shore.

Pass the Turducken

As someone whose weight has fluctuated over the years more than Oprah during the 80's, I consider myself somewhat of an expert in the area of weight loss and gain for that matter. Most recently I’ve managed to lose about thirty pounds in roughly three months and keep it off for almost a year now; pretty sure that makes me credible. Although over the years I’ve never tried the Atkins, Hollywood, or South Beach diet to lose weight, mostly because I’m not an idiot and realize they don’t work. That being said, I have used every possible means to gain weight, including laziness and beer, two of the most effective I’ve seen, to put on the pounds. If you’re interested in how to become a total fat ass fast, I can blog about that at a later date.

Every late night infomercial wants to show you can shock your abs, uncarb your diet, or literally shit your way to weight loss (Hollywood diet, look it up). But let’s be honest, does any of that really work? Has it ever worked for anyone for more than about six weeks? Sure, you may be able to drop a few pounds quickly, but is it the healthiest thing to do? Probably not, I mean didn’t Dr. Atkins die of a heart attack?

Most of us know that the only way to successfully lose weight for the long term is to change your lifestyle, beginning with a healthy diet and regular exercise. I will never understand why American’s can’t figure this out. Is it our obsession with the likes of Kirstie Alley, Tyra Banks, and Kevin James? I don’t think so, well maybe Kevin James. Have you seen Paul Blart Mall Cop? I read a stat recently that by the year 2020, 87% of the United States could be obese, or something like that, I think. Either way, people are getting fatter every day and it’s just scary. Plain and simple we could save two Obama terms worth of stimulus packages in health care costs if people started taking even a little bit better care of themselves.

I hope each one of you is able to take a look in the mirror this holiday season, on second thought, let’s get started after the first of the year, your moms cooking, amongst other things, is too good, and start planning a better you. Do yourself, your company’s healthcare plan, and for God’s sake your family a favor and take the stairs, pass on dessert, and consider joining a gym this year. Your significant other thanks you, they’re tired of your fat ass taking up their half of the bed.

Leave Me Alone, No Thanks

As if you haven’t heard enough about Tiger in the past week. I promise, I’ll spare you. This post won’t be about him … Just kidding. This post is about Tiger. Just like Tiger, I break promises.

I will, however, refrain from in-depth details that you’ve probably already read. If you need them, check reputable news outlets TMZ and US Weekly. Bottom line, Tiger’s sorry for his “transgressions”. And by transgressions, he means getting caught. He’s real sorry he got caught. He’s also REAL pissed his privacy is gone. From his first statement it’s clear he understands the curiosity into his “accident”, but c’mon people, it’s a private matter! He admits the crash was his fault, and definitely not that of anyone chasing his Escalade with a 3-iron (sorry, no offense to Elin, she’s a victim, but let’s silence the violence people!). He did say he will “certainly make sure this doesn't happen again." And by “this”, he obviously means getting caught.

It’s apparent what Tiger did was wrong. I mean, did you see these chicks? Jamiee Grubbs? Her last name is oh so fitting. Whether it’s grubbing for attention, or grubbing for money, this girl’s … you guessed it … a grub. (When you’ve been in the spotlight for five minutes, and someone’s already touting a sex tape, you know you got issues). It’s clear sexting Grubbs was wrong. I kid though. The reason it was wrong isn’t because Elin Nordegren wouldn’t wipe her ass with any of these floozies. It's wrong because of all the things we learn about honesty and loyalty when we’re young.

I’m done with the act itself though. Although it may not seem that way, this post has a completely different message. It’s about Tiger’s plea for privacy. Tiger asking the public to leave him alone, and let him handle his business at home? It doesn’t fly with me. I’ve heard many people say that this needs to stay out of the media, and that it’s not right for us to publicize a private life. I understand where that opinion is coming from. I sure as hell wouldn’t want my business all over the place. But then again, I live by the theory that we should only do things that we’d want “our Moms and the New York Times” to find out about.

Overall I’d have to say that private lives deserve to be private. But not Tiger’s.

I don’t believe that's a double standard either. It has to do with how Tiger got where he is today. I strongly believe that if you use your PERSONA to make redonkulous amounts of money, then this sort of thing not only comes with the territory, but should be expected. I’m sick of hearing anything from people who want themselves in your living room when they’re on TV playing golf, or on TV selling you razors, or on TV selling you credit cards, or on TV selling you Gatorade, and want you to see them on the news when they’re opening up a new golf academy for underprivileged kids, and want you playing their video game, but want out of your living room as soon as they're fucking up. Tiger Woods is a BRAND, people! And he sells himself as a person, a good person who’s a role model, and a profitable choice to represent many products. That is why it is ridiculous for him to think people should leave him alone when negative press happens. There are flaws in his persona, and these flaws are important for consumers and potenetial business partners to know about.

I’m all for taking it easy on victims (dragging Elin through the media, isn’t what I’m suggesting), but I have to be real. This analogy is a stretch, but take a publically traded company for example. A toy company that sells itself as a maker of safe, fun, learning toys. This toy company is doing so well, its image is impeccable, and profits are through the roof. Well, one day they cut some corners and a bunch of lead paint gets into the toys, and they make it out to the market. The story breaks in the news that kids are getting sick and dying from the toys. People are coming out of the woodwork to speak out against the company. So what does the company do? They issue a statement on their website that says: “We apologize for some recent transgressions, and we promise they wont happen again, while we understand the curiousity, we’d appreciate privacy while we deal with these transgressions behind closed doors.” Now, I told you this was a stretch, but work with me. Tiger Woods is not making money just by being a golfer, he’s making money by being the person that he is as a brand (flaws and all). But when a mistake tarnishes the brand like this, you can’t tell people to leave the brand alone. Unless of course, you’d rather not be a brand.

Waxing Hypothetic

I feel for the fans of Cleveland. I really do. As a Philadelphia sports fan, I appreciate the emptiness created by losing seasons and heartbreaking losses. No city in America has endured the pain that Cleveland has as a sports town. The Indians have traded away, in subsequent years no less, two Cy Young winning pitchers. The Browns have had more coaches (5) than winning seasons (2), since returning to the city. And before 2003, this is what people thought of when you mentioned the Cavs.

Now the Browns still suck, and the Indians are out of Cy Youngs to trade, but the Cavs have something special: LeBron. The question is, for how long? Ever since he signed his extension back in 2006, fans and media anointed this summer as the "Summer of LeBron." His impending free agency in 2010 has received more attention than the world's potential end in 2012. The Cavaliers, to their credit, have done everything possible to put a championship-caliber team around LeBron. The city has embraced him. And if the Cavaliers win the whole thing this year? You can kiss him goodbye.

Think about it: If LeBron brings this tormented city a trophy this summer, what does he owe them? I say nothing. He can walk (or run) away to the bright lights of New York or the warm sands of Miami with no guilt whatsoever. For he would have brought "The Mistake by the Lake" the one thing its been missing: a championship. Now, there's no guarantee that he wouldn't leave if he didn't win it all this year, but I get the idea that The King senses his importance and relevance to not just the Cavs, but the city of Cleveland and the NBA as a whole. If a mid-market team still can't keep their best player in a salary cap system, what chance do teams like Oklahoma City have when a guy like Kevin Durant becomes free? Let's not forget that LeBron doesn't even turn twenty-five until December 30Th. He could sign another 3-year extension and still only be 28 years old when he becomes a free agent again. I don't think the city would ever recover from LeBron leaving Cleveland after this year (without a ring) and winning one somewhere else. A guy doesn't lay a masterpiece in the same place he plans to take a dump, and I just can't see him leaving Ohio high and dry like that.

So assuming LeBron is definitely gone if they win the championship and definitely staying for at least three more years if they don't, I ask you Cleveland, which would you prefer? The guaranteed championship with a decade of cellar-dwelling to follow (without LeBron) or three more years of high level excitement and a chance for a title each season (with LeBron)? I think this question is unique to Cleveland because for most sports fans, the answer is simple - guaranteed championship. But most of us don't have iconic, global superstars on our favorite teams that transcend beyond sports. Does the immediate return outweigh the long-term implications? Unfortunately, no one made a movie called "2010" or we'd know how this one turns out.