Oh How I Love Thee? Let Me Count The Carats

My roommates and I have been playing a new game.  Whenever a commercial begins with soft music, muted colors, and makes you want to throw up in your mouth, we all shout out a guess of which jewelry store it will be for.  It’s kinda like "Name That Tune" but way more stupid.  I do have to say however, that I’ve gotten pretty good.  I can call out a Zales commercial before the male character even attempts to show his love, and well before the female character shows she’s materialistic.

I don’t know what it is about jewelry commercials though (some would accuse me of being bitter and single), but as Peter Griffin would say, they really “grind my gears”.  I mean, I’m all for romance, and trust me, I’ve bought jewelry for a girl or two, or three, or … you can guess how that worked out for me.  But I feel like these commercials are damaging.  They are teaching the young women of our great nation that gold digging is standard.

Just a small sampling of the things we can take from jewelry commercials:

We learn here by spending between $200 and $2500 that we can “say I love you like never before.”  It’s obvious to me that the guy spending two hundy is saying I love you a little bit differently than the guy spending two Gs.  But it’s love either way, right?

This is a classic.  Here we learn that although the kids spent all day pampering Mom on Mother’s Day, Dad can make her forget all about the little bastards because he’s got a bank account with more than a hundred dollars in it.  You just got one-upped.  Suckas!

This one shows us it is important to point out to our small impressionable nieces that although people may tell us they like us, they don’t actually like us until they show us with a necklace.

But I digress …

I mean, we’ve known for a while that “Every kiss begins with Kay”.  I take that to signify that you can’t get any action without buying jewelry.  I’d have to say I disagree with that theory.  What if I told you I have evidence that you can actually get action by buying expensive meals too?  So take that Kay Jewelers!  Sometimes kisses begin with filets.

But listen, I get it.  When someone gives you something expensive, you assume it means a lot, especially if they had to work hard to afford it.  And I’m all for showing love that way if you have the means (like I said, I’ve gone down that road before).  But it shouldn’t be expected, and we shouldn’t be glorifying it on TV the way we do.  We should be teaching kids that love has absolutely nothing to do with money.  I’d say I’ve done things in the past for women I’ve loved that cost me absolutely nothing, and to them meant more than anything high-priced and shiny.

Lastly, and not to backtrack into ranting, but specifically because of their commercials, I will never buy ANYTHING from Jared Jewelers.  I’ve been this close to throwing a full glass of Knob Creek at my TV during one of their commercials.  Unfortunately I could not find video of my most-hated one (for those that have seen it, it’s the crossword one).  But, honestly I’ve never heard anyone in real life get excited because “He went to Jared!”, unless Jared happened to be the name of their drug dealer.

America is materialistic enough without these ads, let's stop it.

And this says it all.