An American in Cape Town

After last week’s World Cup draw, I made a commitment to myself and my country to follow the United States World Cup run this year. The best part is, we get the Brit’s in the first round. Since they are still reeling from that whipping we put on ‘em back in ’76, I think we got them right where we want them.

I’ll be the first to admit that I know absolutely nothing about soccer, something I share with approximately 83% of Americans. However, after a few quick glances at a couple soccer themed Wikipedia pages, I think I’m getting up to speed. Below are a several things I think the US can do in order improve their chances to bring home a trophy or medal or whatever you get for winning the World Cup, come Summer 2010 in South Africa and inturn make soccer relevant in the US.

1. Two word names: In order to be taken seriously in international soccer you need to have at least two players on your squad known only by a single name. Pele, Ronaldinho, and Ronaldo all kicked serious ass from what I’ve been told. That being said, Landon Donovan, you’re now Landovan. Tim Howard, lets go with Hondo.

2. Start using hands: It’s just like the international community to only want to do things half-assed. Us Americans know we do things at least at least 50% better than the rest of the world, that’s what G.W. Bush taught me anyway, so we’ll settle for only using one of our hands during the 2010 World Cup. I mean that bloke from France did it against Ireland this year and no one seemed to care.

3. Low Scoring Games: As American’s we like offense and points. Tom Brady and Peyton Manning aren’t American Icons because they let their place kickers score all the points, they put the ball in the end zone and put points on the board.

Since by my calculations, soccer is a pretty lame game, let’s cut the size of the field in half, double the size of the goals, and allow more contact. I know, sounds a lot like American Football but shut up. Scoring 7 or 8 goals a game will definitely spice things up. I mean look what that did for the NHL, ok bad example.

In all serious though I am excited about US Soccer and the World Cup this summer, so don’t let us down. Soccer has a serious chance to make some headway in America as a sport that we actually care about.