I Hope Your Party Sux

The first reviews for James Cameron’s new movie Avatar are coming out, and I won’t lie, they have me a little bit upset.  The reason?  Because they’re actually decent (as of this posting, Rotten Tomatoes had it with a 91% rating).  Go ahead and call me a jerk for hoping that this movie tanks.  To be honest I’m actually hoping Avatar is the Ryan Leaf of movies.  Now I’m sure you’re wondering why that is.  As a small child, was I touched by an avatar?  No, I wasn’t.

I’ll admit that much of it has to do with James Cameron’s ego.  Anyone who has the gall to wear a hat with the acronym "HMFIC" on it deserves to be taken down a peg.   I mean, I know Titanic was the biggest movie of all time (one of my proudest accomplishments is never having seen that movie, swear to God), but how much of Titanic’s success had to do with Cameron, versus how much had to do with girls fawning over Leo DiCaprio and teenage boys realizing they could see a topless Kate Winslet without their parents or a fake ID.  Give me Leo and a PG-13 boob scene, and I bet I could pull down $1 billion easy, just sayin.

But it’s not just Cameron’s ego that has me hoping Avatar eats shit.  A lot of it has to do with the hype too.  I have a hard time getting behind anything with so much hype, unless I’m the one hyping it.  Honestly though, for me, my problem with Avatar mostly comes down to the money.  There are reports that Avatar will be the most expensive movie ever made.  We’re in the middle of the worst recession since the great depression and Cameron is spending half a government bailout on a MOVIE.  I understand special effects are expensive, but wow.

And now for my typical ridiculous analogy.  I see Avatar as one of those birthday parties on MTV’s “My Super Sweet 16”.  The parents (the movie studio) spend a ridiculous amount of money on their brat of a kid’s (James Cameron’s) birthday party (the movie).  If you’ve seen the show then you know what I mean.  When you watch that show, you always hope for the party to be a huge failure and the kid to be crying in the end.  Why?  Because the kid is a jerk (and usually so are the parents).  And because no one 16 year old has ever done anything to deserve that type of party.

Now as usual, I understand that’s a stretch, but hopefully you see the main theme.  Only the future will show us how successful Avatar will be, but some of the early reviews say it will top Titanic.  Lord I hope not.  I’d ask that we not get caught up in the special effects.  If you look closely enough at the trailer, you can tell the movie has the same story as Dances With Wolves and The Last Samurai, just using weird looking blue people.  So more or less, if it weren’t for the $500 million they gave him, James Cameron would have just another rip-off.   Let’s ruin his Super Sweet 16 by not getting caught up in the crazy decorations, 20-foot cake, Ciara performance, and the BMW his parents have parked outside for him.  In fact, let’s just not even show up.

But then again, I understand it will be tough to ignore the invite (the hype), so if you’re going to go, please just do me one favor … be sure to be just as judgmental as James Cameron would be at your party.