12 to 18 inches

No, this isn't a post about the size of my penis. That's actually the forecast for today's snow fall in my town. Now if you live in upstate New York, Maine, or Siberia, that type of accumulation is nothing more than a drop in the bucket. Here in the mid-Atlantic, it's a state of emergency. I'm not trying to downplay the power of Mother Nature - we've seen her effects in places like New Orleans and Indonesia. But we've become so accustomed to meteorologists overreacting as a "potential" storm approaches, many of us have become jaded and disregard their "professional"advice of staying off the roads or getting out of town. Likewise, other folks hang on to every word their local weatherman says like it's gospel.

So what's missing in this weatherperson-government-citizen equation? Rules. Take it from someone who has totaled a car trying to drive in a torrential rainstorm, weather is not to be taken lightly. At the same time, there's no need to stock up on groceries like we're headed into a nuclear war. Hungry-Man makes a delicious assortment of all-in-one meals that will easily get you through the weekend. And I understand not everyone works a Mon-Fri, 9 to 5, but if you do have to be on the roads in a storm like this, maybe slow down a bit so you don't cause an accident making it worse on everyone else.

Additionally, if you don't have to be on the roads, then stay off them. Let the experts get them salted and plowed before you make that all important trip to McDonald's. And if you're told to evacuate, then by God, evacuate! If you happen to be one of those good samaritans who plans on shoveling his (or hers) entire town's snow, maybe wait until all of the snow has fallen. There's absolutely no need to hear your neighbor at 7 am grunting and scraping his shovel on the ground. Take a nap, pal.

Finally, when a rain or snow storm comes through, enjoy it. Huh? In this day and age of being constantly connected and always on the go, times like today give you the chance to sleep in, cook a BIG breakfast, play some board games, and catch up on the DVR. If you happen to be one of the idiots who hasn't finished their Christmas shopping yet, tough luck. I just found this great site called Amazon.com that pretty much allows you to buy anything you could possibly want or need.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to speed over to Shoprite to pick up some groceries. I hope those stupid plows don't get in my way.

Postscript: In a stunning development, the weather folks actually nailed this one. In fact, they may have underestimated the snowfall amount. We ended up with 24+ inches in my town, which is coincidentally the same amount of water I will have in my basement once this all melts. In April.

A couple of notes from the aftermath - DO make sure you have plenty of salt on hand to melt the ice. DON'T leave it on the back porch the night before you get two feet of snow. DO try to knock down icicles from your roof before they fall down and hit you in the head. DON'T try throwing a shovel javelin-style towards the second story to do this (unless you want said shovel to end up on your roof).

Finally, DON'T drive around just because you have all-wheel or four-wheel drive, but DO laugh at people who get stuck in a drift driving a coupe.

Dude He's on my Fantasy Team

Fantasy Football is ruining the NFL. There I said it. Wait I take that back, fantasy football is ruining men’s ability to actually watch and enjoy football. Every Tom, Dick, and Harry now spends their Sunday’s rooting for Peyton Manning to throw touchdowns to Pierre Garcon, but not to Reggie Wayne, all so “No Punt Intended” can take out “Urine Trouble” in Week One of their office Fantasy League.

Half the time, there isn’t even money on the line in these leagues but rather it’s all for bragging rights. Seriously, if I was gonna spend the entire NFL season trying to gain bragging rights over my friends and co-workers, I’d save myself 17 weeks and drop my pants in front of them tomorrow.

The part that really annoys the hell out of me regarding fantasy football is that it brings guys who are diehard fans of one team, or at least used to be, to actually root against their team if someone on their fantasy team is playing against their hometown squad. And don’t try to tell me you won’t take a Cowboys player if you are an Eagles fan, or won’t draft Hines Ward cause you love the Ravens. If you are a huge fantasy dork, you don’t care about your preferred NFL team.

My recommendations for enjoying the NFL without Fantasy Football? Either find a team that you love, watch each one of their games intently, bitch about how crappy the play calling is, how terrible their D-Backs are, and how there’s no chance they make the playoffs this season. If that’s not enough for you, open an online betting account and start wagering the rent on the Saints -7 this week.

There is one good thing that Fantasy Football has given us, The League.

I'd Like to Take a Moment to Say, You Done Good

I’m all about getting recognition.  Uh, giving ... yeah, I mean, I'm all about giving recognition.  In fact, I think it’s vital; especially in the workplace.  I believe nothing motivates more than true and honest acknowledgement of a job well done.  You know what I mean?  Like when your boss comes up with the idea to give out an AMAZING employee of the month award where the winner gets a sculpture of an oversized pickle, but they only get to keep it on their desk for that month, and then next month it goes to the new winner, so everyone is just busting their ass to win that pickle, and if you want to keep that pickle on your desk you better step it up even higher, because anyone who walks by and sees that pickle knows “You da man!” Yeah, not that type of recognition.  I’m talking about something far less kindergarten and much simpler.

I’m talking about your boss sincerely verbally recognizing something you’ve done in front of others (and perhaps giving you a gift certificate to Hooters as a mere token).  You’d be surprised how far that goes.  I don’t write that because I’ve never been recognized, I actually write that because I don’t recognize others enough.  Note to self – recognize more.  See, recognizing I need to recognize is half the battle.

But similar to crystal meth, the more and more recognition that you’re given, the less you feel it.  And undeserved recognition ... don’t even get me started.  My freshman year I played high school football, and if I recall correctly our record was 2 wins and 8 losses.  We got trophies though.  Seriously the entire team got trophies!  I forget what the inscription read, but if it didn’t read “1997’s Biggest Pussies”, then we didn’t deserve them.  Which is why recognition is so tough.  You wanna give it, but if everyone is getting it, it doesn’t mean a damn thing. 

So two things to think about as a manager is how much and how often.  To reiterate these I will use scenarios that you can feel free to share with your management team –

SCENARIO 1 - Roger tells you he has just got the phone number of Becky.  He is so excited.  You proceed to tell him that your friends had previously nicknamed Becky “the town bicycle”.  He’s now less excited.

THE POINT - If it is given to everyone, it’s not the right type of recognition.

SCENARIO 2 - Bill meets a girl who gives him "happy pants" every night.  Bill loves it!  But after about a month something weird happens, and I guess you could say it's taking longer to make Bill's pants happy.  In fact, one day Bill actually falls asleep in the middle of happy pants.

THE POINT - If it is given too much, it's not the right amount of recognition.

(please note I am not suggesting anyone cut down on happy pants)

Hopefully you’ve learned something here.  These are all things to think about as we head into the time when recognition is most important, and we cannot forget about our people – the year is winding down, you’re being asked to write evaluations, holding meetings about performance – of course I’m talking about …… awards show season!!!!  Oscars, Globes, People’s Choice, Grammys, Screen Actors Guild.  Let’s not forget it’s the rich and famous that truly need recognizing the most.

On the real though, recognize, but do it right.

What Sucks About Christmas

Today's post was inspired from a dear friend of mine who reminded me today what a wonderful time of year it is. Unfortunately, it also made me think of all the things that suck about Christmas. Believe me, I'm not your usual holiday-hater. I actually like Christmas songs. Decorating the tree is a joy. I don't find the Salvation Army bell ringer annoying. And baking cookies (or watching my fiance bake cookies) increases both my weight and happiness. But make no mistake, there are some things that occur this time of year that are about as enjoyable as Kathy Bates sitting on my face.

People who bring holiday treats into the office: I literally just polished off a whole cannoli as I wrote that. Why? Because some idiot decided it would be a nice 'gesture' to bring it in. Well here's a gesture right back at you. You're not doing anybody any favors by bringing this stuff in. Same story every year - the office fatty paces back and forth by these snacks, sweating and drooling over it, waiting for someone to make the first move. The females in the office pick and peck at it like little birds to the point that you aren't really sure if they're brownies or a hot steamer the janitor left behind (pissed from cleaning up all the crumbs each night). The worst is when someone brings in some awful candy or half a fruitcake left over from a party you weren't invited to. Good lord, at least have the decency to bring a whole, untouched item and not left over scraps your dog wouldn't even eat.

Not having Christmas or New Year's Day off: And Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve, to boot. In full disclosure, I actually do have off on Christmas and New Year's Day, but it won't stop me from fighting the good fight for all the folks who do not. Let's face it, between all the food, booze, parties, and presents going on this time of year, work efficiency isn't anywhere near peak. Folks are trying to see family and friends, pick up or drop off last minute gifts, and get to church for one of their two visits each year - we don't need work interfering with all of this. Have you ever stopped by a store on Christmas Day? I almost pulled an Angelina Jolie and adopted the kid working the register at CVS last year. It's so depressing. Let's just make it a rule that everything in America (besides hospitals and strip clubs) are closed on December 24th and 25th, as well as Dec. 31st and Jan. 1st. While we're at it, let's throw in the day after the Super Bowl and the first two days of March Madness. Done and Done.

'Christmas Vacation' on TBS: Initial reaction when you see Christmas Vacation come on your TV set - "Yes! I love this movie!! I can't believe Chevy Chase used to be funny!!!" Secondary reaction once you realize it's being shown on TBS - "Weak, no curse words. This is gonna suck." Can we just make a pact with the FCC that when classic movies like this are shown on cable TV, they'll be aired un-edited? I feel like kids are missing out on important lessons about family, like this one:

Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's
walking out on this
fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all
in this together. This is
a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here.
We're gonna press on, and we're
gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas
since Bing Crosby tap-danced with
Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa
squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney
tonight, he's gonna find the
jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the
nuthouse.

Not being able to say Merry Christmas anymore: I know what you're going to say. "Diddy, I thought the Offensive Coordination blog wasn't supposed to be PC?" Well, we're not. But we're also realist. If a Jewish person came up to me and wished me a Happy Hanukkah, I honestly don't know how I would even respond. So I get it. But the real shit of it all is that it's left me so confused on what is appropriate to say, I actually wished someone a "Happy New Year" last Friday. It was December 11th.

People who complain about Christmas: Oh, wait...

A Flash in the Pan

Not sure how many of you heard this story that went down a little over a week ago, but I don’t think it got enough press for how ridiculous it was. The link to the story can be found here. Basically, the Utah Flash, an NBA-D League team promoted a one on one basketball game between Byron Russell and his Airness, Michael Jordan. Flash owner, Brandt Anderson, started a huge viral marketing campaign around town promoting the fact that Michael Jordan would indeed be in the house for that evening’s game to take on Russell at halftime. As you would expect, the game quickly sold out, and as you would also expect Jordan never showed and never planned to show. I mean, Jordan "Big Leagued" Charlie Sheen in that Hanes Commercial, you really think he's going to Utah to take on Byron Russell?

Being in the minor league sports business, I can almost sympathize with Anderson for trying this stunt, almost. In today’s economy it’s tough to get fans out to your ballpark, arena, rink, whatever your venue may be especially to see a product as crappy as the NBA-D League. Does anyone even go to NBA games anymore unless someone named Lebron, Kobe, or Wade is on the floor?

The only positive I can see coming out of this story is that they get the free press from me blogging about it. I mean there are seven of you that follow Offensive Coordination, most of which probably never heard of the Utah Flash until now. However, in my professional opinion, national press doesn’t do much good for a minor league team. I don’t see myself catching a flight to Utah to check out a Flash game (Mormons frighten me) and I sure as hell wouldn’t be caught dead wearing this.

But let’s be real, think about the long term repercussions of telling a blatant lie to your fan base. Then again, I can only imagine just how big the fan base is for an NBA-DL squad is. It’s pretty clear that the fans of this Orem Utah team aren’t too quick anyway if they really thought one of the largest sports stars ever was going to show to their litte town to play an NBA has been one on one. But don’t worry, upset fans could use their tickets for any other remaining home game and just their luck there’s a big game coming up in January against the Reno Bighorns.

I Hope Your Party Sux

The first reviews for James Cameron’s new movie Avatar are coming out, and I won’t lie, they have me a little bit upset.  The reason?  Because they’re actually decent (as of this posting, Rotten Tomatoes had it with a 91% rating).  Go ahead and call me a jerk for hoping that this movie tanks.  To be honest I’m actually hoping Avatar is the Ryan Leaf of movies.  Now I’m sure you’re wondering why that is.  As a small child, was I touched by an avatar?  No, I wasn’t.

I’ll admit that much of it has to do with James Cameron’s ego.  Anyone who has the gall to wear a hat with the acronym "HMFIC" on it deserves to be taken down a peg.   I mean, I know Titanic was the biggest movie of all time (one of my proudest accomplishments is never having seen that movie, swear to God), but how much of Titanic’s success had to do with Cameron, versus how much had to do with girls fawning over Leo DiCaprio and teenage boys realizing they could see a topless Kate Winslet without their parents or a fake ID.  Give me Leo and a PG-13 boob scene, and I bet I could pull down $1 billion easy, just sayin.

But it’s not just Cameron’s ego that has me hoping Avatar eats shit.  A lot of it has to do with the hype too.  I have a hard time getting behind anything with so much hype, unless I’m the one hyping it.  Honestly though, for me, my problem with Avatar mostly comes down to the money.  There are reports that Avatar will be the most expensive movie ever made.  We’re in the middle of the worst recession since the great depression and Cameron is spending half a government bailout on a MOVIE.  I understand special effects are expensive, but wow.

And now for my typical ridiculous analogy.  I see Avatar as one of those birthday parties on MTV’s “My Super Sweet 16”.  The parents (the movie studio) spend a ridiculous amount of money on their brat of a kid’s (James Cameron’s) birthday party (the movie).  If you’ve seen the show then you know what I mean.  When you watch that show, you always hope for the party to be a huge failure and the kid to be crying in the end.  Why?  Because the kid is a jerk (and usually so are the parents).  And because no one 16 year old has ever done anything to deserve that type of party.

Now as usual, I understand that’s a stretch, but hopefully you see the main theme.  Only the future will show us how successful Avatar will be, but some of the early reviews say it will top Titanic.  Lord I hope not.  I’d ask that we not get caught up in the special effects.  If you look closely enough at the trailer, you can tell the movie has the same story as Dances With Wolves and The Last Samurai, just using weird looking blue people.  So more or less, if it weren’t for the $500 million they gave him, James Cameron would have just another rip-off.   Let’s ruin his Super Sweet 16 by not getting caught up in the crazy decorations, 20-foot cake, Ciara performance, and the BMW his parents have parked outside for him.  In fact, let’s just not even show up.

But then again, I understand it will be tough to ignore the invite (the hype), so if you’re going to go, please just do me one favor … be sure to be just as judgmental as James Cameron would be at your party.

Guilty Pleasures

If you've been reading this blog, than you know exactly what this is about. If not, scroll down to the November 16th post. It's worth it just for the Beyonce picture. And we're off...


26) Going out for lunch - I could have a filet covered in crabmeat in my lunchbox (yes, I have a lunchbox) and it wouldn't beat getting out of the office for an hour to enjoy a $12 salad or an appeteaser combo at Applebee's.


91) Wearing a scarf - Kinda gay, but it's fun to look like a J Crew model without wearing skintight khakis or spending $100 on a shirt.


107) Saved By the Bell: The College Years - A train wreck compared to the Bayside years (but definitely better than the Miss Bliss era), I can't take my eyes off it. Not sure which is less realistic: the gang spending an entire semester without drinking a single beer or Bob Golic 'acting' as a Resident Advisor? Either way, thank you TBS for making me late every day that you show one of these priceless episodes.



45) Mike and Mike -Speaking of Golics, did you know that Mike Golic is fat and Mike Greenberg is Jewish? LOL. Not really. This tired act has been on the air for a decade and continues to gain in popularity, even though neither has produced an actual opinion in probably five years. Regardless, at least they are talking sports and not Lindsey Lohan and more importantly, don't take calls from idiot listeners (easily the worst part of sports radio).


112) The Food Network - Not only are we the most obese country in the world, we actually have an entire channel devoted to eating. Ironically, there isn't a Health and Wellness channel (at least not on my dial). What other channel can you be simultaneously turned on and learn how to make a killer lasagna? I once saw Paula Deen make a fried egg sandwich using pancakes as the bread. Awesome.