Let's Stop Fueling the Fame-Fire

This post is extremely hypocritical, but I just had to say something.  The media does bad people favors.  By bad people, I mean people who do inappropriate things solely to become famous.  The media latches on to these stories, and beats you over the head with them until these people actually become famous.  I think it's time to realize that we'd have less of these people if the media didn't make it clear they are willing to help just about anyone advance their sick "get famous" goals.  Balloon boy wasn't the first, and we find out weekly that he isn't the last either.  To be honest what really spurred this post was the "White House Party Crashers" (I refuse to link to story because I don't want to feed into the problem).  Being home for Thanksgiving has given me time to watch a lot of TV.  I've seen everyone from CBS to Fox News run story after story about, who are these people, what do we know about the party crashers, who did they talk to, how did they get by security, what do their friends have to say, what does Katie Couric have to say, what new details are coming out about the crashers, let's talk about what we know about the crashers, were these crashers really invited, what does the crashers' lawyer have to say, were the crashers vying for a reality show, what else can we find out about the crashers.  PLEASE STOP!  I'll tell you all you need to know about the crashers.  They are sick-in-the-head fame whores, and let's stop talking about them.  Thank God Tiger is cheating on his wife, so this story may go away soon.

Something Stinks in the Swamp

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! What am I grateful for this year? Great family and friends, three NFL games on TV today, and a four-day weekend. What am I not thankful for? The fact that two of the NFL games will feature either the Lions or Raiders (really?) and the weekend-long media love affair with Tim Tebow, who will be playing his final game at "The Swamp" on Saturday. This isn't so much a "I hate Tim Tebow" piece; it's more of a "I think Tim Tebow is totally overrated" piece.

Let's start by comparing two players:

Player A's career stats - 8,335 total yards, 81 TDs, 65.7% completions

Player B's career stats - 12,000 total yards, 96 TDs, 66.9% completions

Both players are 22 year old seniors, six-foot three and weigh 240 lbs. Without knowing the names, you'd have to concede that Player B is slightly better than Player A. So who are these players? Player A is one Tim Tebow. Player B? Dan LeFevour.

So who is Dan LeFevour? You probably haven't heard of him because he plays for the Central Michigan Chippewas. While there is something to be said for a guy who leads his team to SEC and National Titles, I still can't fathom why he won a Heisman Trophy. For the record, LeFevour's Chippewas have won two MAC Championships during his tenure, and are playing for a third this season. And while comparing a national title to a MAC title is a little like comparing Kim Kardashian to Khloe Kardashian, they are still Kardashians. And let's not forget that these "national titles" are nothing more than fantasy games because they aren't even created by a playoff. I'm more impressed by Tebow's conference championships which, like I mentioned before, he has the exact same amount of as Dan "The Man" LeFevour - two.

Ok, so you want to argue that LeFevour's conference and competition is inferior to Tebow's? Fair enough. The SEC is the best college football conference in America. But I would argue that LeFevour has built his stats with inferior talent surrounding him, a much more impressive feat to me. He's never gotten to throw to a Percy Harvin or run behind future NFL offensive lineman. LeFevour's number one receiver last year is now working as a janitor for the school (ok, I made that up). But you get the point.

I'm not saying Tim Tebow doesn't deserve some credit for Florida's success and I'm not saying he isn't a good player. All I'm trying to say is that when talking about the best players in college football, remember the name: Dan LeFevour. That is all.

Poking, Tweeting, and Doing Hard Time

It boggles my mind that the internets and social networking have come to this.  People getting busted for Facebook posts, and others getting arrested for NOT tweeting?  These four recent stories wouldn't have seemed possible even 5 years ago, but the world continues to spiral out of control:

1) A woman loses her health benefits because she claimed to be suffering from depression, but posted pics of herself smiling at the beach on her Facebook.  If she wasn't depressed, she surely is now.  Nice of her to cooperate with the media, and leak her own story.  That sounds like something a depressed person would do, right?  Regardless, in her defense I will say this: there was this one time I was in a really bad mood, but someone I was hanging out with happened to have a camera.  They requested a picture.  Just before they took the picture, they said "Okay, smile!", and I obliged.  I was still in a bad mood, but if you look at the photographic evidence from that day, I look happy.  Hopefully you get where I'm going with that stupid story.  Apparently her insurance company didn't take into account that most people smile for pictures, even when they're not happy.  And apparently she didn't take into account that she is a moron.

2) New, annoying, teen sensation, Justin Bieber plans an album signing at a Long Island mall.  A riot ensues.  Completely unrelated, Justin Bieber needs a haircut.  For safety reasons the signing is cancelled.  Cops ask one of Bieber's handlers to send out a tweet announcing cancellation.  Handler refuses, and gets arrested.  Busted for NOT tweeting.  Is that really a crime?  Is Twitter really their jurisdiction?  I'm picturing a day when I get a knock on my door, and the police are standing there, guns drawn, threatening to shoot if I don't change my MySpace profile picture.  And lastly, Justin Bieber needs a haircut.

3) This one's a classic.  Dude gets arrested for robbery.  But wait ... dude's Facebook got updated with status "Where's my pancakes?", right at the time of the robbery.  So no way dude coulda done it.  If you're home looking for your pancakes, you are not robbing places.  It's just one of the great truths of this world.  Hold on though, is there a way that this guy possibly left himself logged in, and someone else updated his status?  Nah.

4) A little older, but the story of the woman who was arrested for poking someone on Facebook is a real gem.  In a literal sense, there are some times when "poking" should be considered illegal.  But Facebook poking?  I'm not so sure.  In this case the woman was braking a restraining order, so yeah, it was a stupid thing for her to do.  But seriously, c'mon!  The other party here should've had this woman blocked, right?  What idiot files for a restraining order against someone but then leaves them unblocked on Facebook?  Someone who deserves to get poked, that's who.

Hopefully you learned something from these stories.  I learned that nothing surprises me anymore with the craziness that exists on the internets.  It's a dangerous place.  Stay safe out there friends.

Better to be Pissed Off than Pissed On.

Along the lines of Diddy’s last post about guilty pleasures I wanted to touch on a few things that have been bothering me lately. When I say, “bothering me lately”, I mostly mean shit that annoys the hell out of my boring ass life. Below is the list with a short explanation. Here goes:

1. Taylor Swift: This damn chick is everywhere. Look, I get it that Kanye punked your ass out on national TV and made everyone in America feel bad for you, but I’m sick of hearing your songs, particularly on country radio. The only thing that makes your songs country is how depressing they are. Good for you, I’m glad you’re making beau coups of money but let’s stick to pop before George Strait puts out a dis-twang on you.

2. Social Media/Networking Experts: In the last several months I’ve discovered the endless joys of twitter. It’s become a one stop shop for up-to-date information on pretty much everything, breaking sports news, networking, Ocho Cinco’s whearabouts, seriously important shit. I’ve also noticed how many “social media” experts there are out there and how quick they are to identify themselves as such, each one of them promising to help grow my business one tweet at a time. Look, just because you live in your mom’s basement and have more porn sites following your account than I do doesn’t qualify you as an expert. Frankly, I’m not even sure it’s possible to be an expert in this category. I do think that twitter can help your business but let’s be honest, it’s mostly used to stalk celebrities. And come on, when there are daily trending topics, like #yourmama or #happybdayFab it’s hard to take the site too serious.

3. Realtor’s Advertising: This one has actually baffled me for many years, but I never quite understood Realtor’s need to use their face in every single form of advertising they do from business cards, to billboards, to one I saw this week, the back windshield of their Ford Taurus. In no other business is this practice put in play. Hell, if I put my mug on my business cards I’d probably never get another sale. The part that gets me the most is that the picture on said advertising never looks anything like the actual person. I’m not sure where the big book of Real Estate is that says the best way to get new customers is to get glamour shots taken, plaster them all over town, with the most ridiculous hair and makeup combinations the more effective.

The 100 Best Quotes from 'The Wire'

The best quotes from the best show. Ever.

"Inappropriate King Live"

I know I was just hating on Larry King, and this has already been all over the internets, but I had to.  Drake Savage's dream girl goes on Larry King Live.  She's got skills that Mark McGwire would bow down to.



But the best part is her mother's comments afterwards.



Are all mothers really this delusional?  Or do they feel they have to do this sort of thing?  I mean, my Mom used to tell people I was a basketball superstar when I just went 0 for 7 with 3 airballs in middle school b-ball, but there comes an age (and I think it usually comes before they make their first sex tape) when you gotta tell your kid they suck.  Or at least stop highlighting things they do poorly as accomplishments.

Guilty Pleasures

Who doesn't like a list? They're easy, quick, and fun like the girls on Sex Rehab w/ Dr. Drew. This one is a doozy, too. It's a list of guilty pleasures - you know, things that we enjoy doing but would never admit to (like rollerblading). We'll add to it from time to time and feel free to add your own in the comments section. Without further adu, and in no particular order:

153) Beyonce music videos - Kanye's not the only one who thinks her videos are the "best of all-time." Some of these videos are borderline softcore porn. Sweet dreams indeed.

212) Fireworks - Sure, these stopped being cool somewhere between the ages of 10-12, but light up a sparkler and I'll start clapping like those toy monkeys with the cymbals.

47) Love, Actually - Hugh Grant. English accents. Christmas theme. Keira Knightley. I'm in.

119) Juice Boxes - When's the last time you had a Capri Sun? Exactly. Instead we have to choke down violent swill like Ginseng infused mocha passion fruit and pretend we really like it.

65) Dancing - Is there any greater combination in the world then a wedding, open bar, and a DJ? I consider myself a mix between James Brown and Mark Madsen on the dance floor.

22) Tanning - I'm not talking about the ubergay tanning bed kind of tanning. I'm talking about getting on the beach and converting your pasty white skin to a beautiful shade of gold.

129) T-Pain - Oh, just because Jay-Z put out a song called 'Death of Autotune', we're all supposed to start hating T-Pain. Well, in my humble opinion, Jay-Z sucks for putting out that awful song 'Empire State of Mind' which appeals to about 0.01 % of his fan base. And for the record, this T-Pain song was written as a joke - just try not liking it.

The "Everything's Going Really Well" Theory

Things are going really well for me right now.

Ugh. I hate when I hear people say this. You know why? Because it's bullshit. No one who says they're "doing really well" is actually doing anything of the sort. It's an elaborate scheme of half-truths and deception, that frankly, drives me Gary Busey-level crazy.

So when does this sordid game of BS, designed to make us honest workers feel totally inept because work and life mostly sucks for us, begin? I believe the delusion happens somewhere around college graduation. Some of us (like me) finished school within a reasonable amount of time (4 years) and moved seamlessly into the "real world," learning about business first-hand and wondering why we spent so much time on SWOT Analysis. Others stayed in school a bit longer, and upon graduation, realized there aren't a lot of legal jobs out there that allow you to sleep till noon everyday and not come in on Fridays.

Over the next couple of years you, the worker bee, will come across these nomadic individuals at different events (note: these events are almost always concerts or sporting events and said individuals will almost always be hammered drunk) and upon catching up, the inevitable question "So, where are you working now?" will be asked. Here's your first sign of total BS - if they can't tell you where they work or what they do in less than ten words. For example, I would say "I work for Company X where I sell sponsorship." Nine words. They in turn would tell you a complicated tale about starting their own consulting business that deals with real estate and mutual funds and magic juice. Whatever. You go your separate ways on the occasion wondering what the hell that person was talking about.

This brings us to the present. You're putting in 60 hours a week. You have more clothes in your hamper than you do in your closet. The fridge is empty. You haven't had a vacation, much less a day off, in what feels like a decade. You're planning a wedding and paying for a house. Stress is at an all-time high. So you decide to call one of your deadbeat friends, someone you know is way more worse off than you so you can feel a little bit better about yourself. And that's when it happens:

Me: "Hey man, how are things? You still doing that real estate investment consultation thing?"

Them: "Yea, things are going really well for me right now."

Me: (Click).

It gets worse. You start seeing them on Facebook with their arms around models, sitting courtside at a Lakers game, drinking Ace of Spades. They twitter about how great living in New York City or Florida or California is (they always live in NYC/Miami/LA). You begin to wonder where you messed up in life and start questioning every decision you've made since graduation. But the truth is, these people aren't happy at all. Whether it's a shitty family situation, credit card debt, a blow problem, an addiction to hookers, AIDS, etc. - these people are all trying to overcome feelings of inadequacy and self-worth. They have to constantly tell themselves how well they are doing and in turn, tell the whole world. You dig around a little bit and you find out the person is actually sleeping on one of your truly successful friend's couches in New York City because they just got laid off from their job and their girlfriend left them.

Quick story: I had a meeting last spring with a company interested in doing a sponsorship. The CEO went on and on about how great the business was doing and all the great events he'd been to over the past six months. I proposed a $5K deal to him. He turned it down. Two weeks later, the company filed Chapter 11.

The moral of the story: don't be a douche. I'm sure that will be the moral of many stories on this blog in the months and years to come, but it rings especially true here. If you are one of the lucky few who are truly doing well, are blessed with good health and a normal family, god bless you. Keep it to yourself and enjoy it. To those who haven't quite gotten it together yet and are still struggling with "finding themselves", it's OK to be honest about it. Yea, we're going to make fun of you. But we're also going to respect you.

For the record, I'm not doing really well and I'm totally miserable. And I couldn't be happier.

Gesundheit

I saw this girl on the Today show this morning.  And if this is some sort of "Balloon Boy" stunt concocted by her parents, then goddamnit this is an America I don't want to live in.

Today Show Clip

Who Dey?

First off, I'd like to personally thank each and every one of you for taking the time to read our blog, you both mean a lot to us. We are confident that this hilarious account of the lives we live will lead us to stardom and for me personally, a marriage to one of the Kardashians.

Who Dey?

During the last Sunday's Ravens game, in between super safety Ed Reed's failed arm tackles, Hauschka's missed field goal, and a complete abandonment of the running game, I lost interest. However, there to grab my interest in between half price appetizers and thoughts of Chris Berman at Applebees, was the Bengals "Battle Cry".

For those of you who aren't familiar with the mildly famous Bengals Chant, it goes like this "Who Dey, Who Dey, Who Dey Think Gone Beat Dem Bengals". Judging from the grammatical accuracy of this little ditty, I'd say it gathered steam during their, how should I say, well fuck it, back when every guy on the team got arrested.

Upon further review, it became very apparent to me that this may be the most idiotic chant in the history of all major sports. For example, at 1pm on Sunday afternoon, I personally thought the Ravens would "Beat Dem Bengals". I'm sure there are about a million Steelers fans who think that Dey Gone Beat Dem Bengals on Sunday. Who the fuck are Bengals fans to shoot down our thoughts? We live in a free country, and until the liberals get their way of course, we are all entitled to our own opinions.

I mean after all does it really matter that an opposing team 'thinks' they Gone Beat Dem Bengals? We all know the games aren't played in the players' minds, but rather on Sundays inside television sets in sports bars.
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Boomer ... Please ... Enough ... Already

As a young person, you get a lot of older people hating, claiming you’re “entitled”.  I’ll be the first to agree, and say that half my generation deserves a swift kick in the junk for that very reason.  But that’s a column for another day.  I promise a serious tangent on that one.  I’d like to take this time, however, to highlight that there are plenty of older people who fall into that same category.  Granted their entitlement comes from a completely different place, but it’s there.  Who doesn’t have that guy at work that gets away with whatever the hell he wants, JUST because he started with the company when they were using typewriters?  You know who I’m talking about.  The guy who drinks in the office like he’s on ‘Mad Men’, but looks more like Peter Griffin than Don Draper.  Yeah, buddy!  I’d like to dedicate this column to one of the poster-children of this entitled group: Chris Berman.

Chris Berman you say?  How do you know he falls into this category?  You don’t work at ESPN.  I would say you’re right, I don’t.  But I watch ESPN, and his entitlement oozes out of the TV.  On air he consistently reiterates that he is a horrendous television personality, and in fact should not be on air … but they don’t take him off.  But come on, he’s earned that right to ruin Monday Night Football, right?  I disagree.  I think this type of entitlement is the worst there is.  I’ve never met a soul who enjoys his commentary, yet there he is at every high profile event that ESPN covers. 

Point blank: his loudness is extremely annoying.  I would actually rather listen to the Aflac duck do a highlight than Berman.  He used to have this amazing ability to come up with hilariously funny nicknames for athletes.  I mean, it was something else … something amazing.  There was Ben “Winter” Coates, and “Well-Dressed” Amani Toomer, and …. shit, I think that was all of the good ones.  Hasn’t stopped Berman though.  He just keeps pumping them out, even though no one is laughing.  His nicknames are reaching Flavor-Flav, “Flavor of Love” status.  “You’re from New York, aight, Imma call you ‘New York’.”  But Berman can’t be stopped.  He’s the guy who came up with Ben “Winter” Coates, remember.  Nicknames are his thing, and he is entitled to be the nickname guy, regardless of how funny ANYONE else at the network may be.

It bothers me that Berman is filling the seat of a potential talent that people might actually enjoy, solely because he’s been there since ESPN's infancy.  (I think you could argue his seat could actually fit two or three potential talents, but that’s beside the point, ha)  He’s like a professor with tenure that just mailed it in.  He doesn’t give a damn about his students, but goddamnit he was published in the 1974 New England Medical Journal’s February edition!   And completely off topic, the man is doing Applebee’s commercials now.  I had already refused to eat there since they introduced a $10 steak, but I just DOUBLE-refused to eat there.  And my boy Drake Savage pointed out that Berman is also doing Nutri-System ads.  Applebee's and Nutri-System?  Talk about a conflict of interest.  That’s like the Joe Camel doing Nicorette commercials.

As you can tell, I don’t like this man.  If you had a chance to see the outtakes from Monday Night Football that were leaked to the internets where Berman WENT OFF and cursed out some staffers (before Disney stepped in and had them obliterated from existence), you know what an ass Berman is.  But what you might not have seen was a few minute exchange with a female staffer where Berman inquires about the bottle of wine he sent her for the holidays.  Truly skeezy.  Berman rubs his belly, as he asks, “Did you think of me while you we’re drinking it?”  Which brings me to another point, that’s sexual harassment.  I’d characterize Berman as the Barry Bonds of sexual harassment at ESPN.  He’s probably the biggest offender, and everyone in the entire world knows he’s doing it, but he never gets busted for it.  Steve Phillips and Harold Reynolds though, they get caught.  They are the Rafael Palmeiro and Miguel Tejada in this metaphor.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Berman was behind the whole peeping on Erin Andrews scandal.   You can just tell the guy’s a perv.

In summation though, Berman isn’t the only one out there.  There are plenty of people whose early successes, or history have kept them in positions they don’t deserve.  Larry King, Joe Paterno, Dane Cook, etc.  This entitlement has to end.  I truly believe that no matter what the role, it should always be given to the best candidate.  You stymie talent otherwise.  If ESPN would give a new talent the chance to fill-in for Chris Berman just once, they might realize, as Berman himself would say, “He.    Could.    Go.    All.    The.    Way.”

Who Am I? Why Am I Here?

Hello my friends! I'm sitting here getting my SNL on trying to think of a witty display name for this one-of-kind (cough, bullshit) blog for everyone on the interweb to see. My friends Pat and Rob (aka Drake Savage and RG$, respectively) decided it was time for the world to hear our thoughts, so Offensive Coordination was born. I think the idea is to have a platform to make fun of anyone with any type of authority, with a slight slant towards sports.

Given that, I suppose I could jack a joke from someone like 'The Sports Guy' and go with a display name like Art Shell, but that lacks originality. I could go with something contemporary, like Brett Favre, but that would be so Peter King. I need to find inspiration by channeling the thoughts of some all-time atrocious decision-makers. Isiah Thomas? Too obvious. Al Davis? Too scary.

No, no - I need a name that will transcend both sports and pop culture. I need someone who "can't stop, won't stop" making horrific moves. I need a name that has the opportunity to change as frequently as the person's taste in vodka. I need to be associated with someone who has ruined more talent than Dr. James Andrews and caused at least one wrongful imprisonment. There's only one name that is fit for me on this blog: Diddy.

Until he changes it again.