The "Everything's Going Really Well" Theory

Things are going really well for me right now.

Ugh. I hate when I hear people say this. You know why? Because it's bullshit. No one who says they're "doing really well" is actually doing anything of the sort. It's an elaborate scheme of half-truths and deception, that frankly, drives me Gary Busey-level crazy.

So when does this sordid game of BS, designed to make us honest workers feel totally inept because work and life mostly sucks for us, begin? I believe the delusion happens somewhere around college graduation. Some of us (like me) finished school within a reasonable amount of time (4 years) and moved seamlessly into the "real world," learning about business first-hand and wondering why we spent so much time on SWOT Analysis. Others stayed in school a bit longer, and upon graduation, realized there aren't a lot of legal jobs out there that allow you to sleep till noon everyday and not come in on Fridays.

Over the next couple of years you, the worker bee, will come across these nomadic individuals at different events (note: these events are almost always concerts or sporting events and said individuals will almost always be hammered drunk) and upon catching up, the inevitable question "So, where are you working now?" will be asked. Here's your first sign of total BS - if they can't tell you where they work or what they do in less than ten words. For example, I would say "I work for Company X where I sell sponsorship." Nine words. They in turn would tell you a complicated tale about starting their own consulting business that deals with real estate and mutual funds and magic juice. Whatever. You go your separate ways on the occasion wondering what the hell that person was talking about.

This brings us to the present. You're putting in 60 hours a week. You have more clothes in your hamper than you do in your closet. The fridge is empty. You haven't had a vacation, much less a day off, in what feels like a decade. You're planning a wedding and paying for a house. Stress is at an all-time high. So you decide to call one of your deadbeat friends, someone you know is way more worse off than you so you can feel a little bit better about yourself. And that's when it happens:

Me: "Hey man, how are things? You still doing that real estate investment consultation thing?"

Them: "Yea, things are going really well for me right now."

Me: (Click).

It gets worse. You start seeing them on Facebook with their arms around models, sitting courtside at a Lakers game, drinking Ace of Spades. They twitter about how great living in New York City or Florida or California is (they always live in NYC/Miami/LA). You begin to wonder where you messed up in life and start questioning every decision you've made since graduation. But the truth is, these people aren't happy at all. Whether it's a shitty family situation, credit card debt, a blow problem, an addiction to hookers, AIDS, etc. - these people are all trying to overcome feelings of inadequacy and self-worth. They have to constantly tell themselves how well they are doing and in turn, tell the whole world. You dig around a little bit and you find out the person is actually sleeping on one of your truly successful friend's couches in New York City because they just got laid off from their job and their girlfriend left them.

Quick story: I had a meeting last spring with a company interested in doing a sponsorship. The CEO went on and on about how great the business was doing and all the great events he'd been to over the past six months. I proposed a $5K deal to him. He turned it down. Two weeks later, the company filed Chapter 11.

The moral of the story: don't be a douche. I'm sure that will be the moral of many stories on this blog in the months and years to come, but it rings especially true here. If you are one of the lucky few who are truly doing well, are blessed with good health and a normal family, god bless you. Keep it to yourself and enjoy it. To those who haven't quite gotten it together yet and are still struggling with "finding themselves", it's OK to be honest about it. Yea, we're going to make fun of you. But we're also going to respect you.

For the record, I'm not doing really well and I'm totally miserable. And I couldn't be happier.